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If you're the star of a local news story that's been auto-tuned, there's a 90% chance you're also a murderer.
If I had a double mastectomy no one would notice.
Don't complain about your job to the lady waxing your vagina.
Today is the one day of the year Catholics run Hollywood.
I hope Obama and Romney appreciate how many Facebook friends we've lost over them.
Just leaned into my friend and asked, "Who is THAT?" about a two year old.
I live in constant fear that someone is going to mistake me for David Spade.
I spent a good 30% of my childhood terrified of the hole in the wall where the men can see them all.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My brother is a doctor & delivered a baby named Y'all-Jealous Jones today. This is not a joke. Y'ALL JEALOUS JONES. My brother wins 2012.
If your daughter's favorite animal is the unicorn, she'll be pregnant by 15.
Nothing makes you feel more adult than downing a birth control pill with a glass of wine.
I wish I was half excited about anything as a four year old is to push an elevator button.
Mom and Dad, please stop saying you don't have a favorite child. We have a favorite one of you.
co-head writer for jimmy kimmel live and lover of fat babies