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@momku’s (Momku) best tweets
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momku
There's no use crying / over spilt milk. Unless that / shit is organic
@momku
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momku
There's a room in Hell / entirely carpeted / with tiny Legos
@momku
momku
I'm Catholic, husband / is Jewish. So our kids are / being raised Guilty
@momku
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momku
Your dad and I met / on a BBS. (I'll wait / while you Google that)
@momku
momku
Whoever came up / with "like a day at the beach" / did not bring toddlers
@momku
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momku
Vacation will be/ ending in divorce. But at / least the kids had fun!
@momku
momku
First trip to the pool /
Suits? Check. Sunscreen? Check. Snacks? Check. /
Bikini line? Shit.
@momku
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momku
Took pregnancy test / In wee window word appeared: / "Asparagus." Huh.
@momku
momku
Kid believes in a / giant bunny but finds God / implausible. Oy.
@momku
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momku
Son's blood work is back / Doctors confirm that boy is / 90% cheese stick
@momku
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momku
I say "potato" / spouse says "polyamory" / I say tom... wait, what?
@momku
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momku
FYI "I baked / these with the kids" is code for / "WARNING: DO NOT EAT"
@momku
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momku
Four-and-a-half means / never having to say why / you'll only wear boots
@momku
momku
Choosy moms martyr / themselves with peanut butter / that has to be stirred
@momku
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momku
Kids with grandparents / means rare marital event: / "Two Nights In A Row"
@momku
momku
Energy bars for / kids? No thanks. How about some / Obedience bars?
@momku
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momku
"I want my mommy" / Baby's first sentence. Heart melts; / it's five syllables
@momku
momku
"She's not a Jedi / She's a two-year-old!" Things I / never thought I'd say
@momku
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momku
Drinking wine in my / jammies. Because sometimes life / gives you Chardonnay
@momku
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momku
God, I love my kids / Either that or have bad case / of Stockholm Syndrome
@momku