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Does MTV play videos anymore? Because I thought it was just those underage pregnant people. Shouldn't the award show be about them?
Whatever. Peanut Butter Cups TOTALLY taste better than being skinny feels.
Time Magazine says Adderall may not make you smarter, it just makes you THINK you are. That's kind of like tequila. And being a teenager.
My phone now autocorrects "advice," to "Assville." I feel this is a huge victory.
No one better mess with my son in his beautiful butterfly costume. THERE ARE BOY BUTTERFLIES TOO.
Vodka: because feelings are bullshit.
That which does not kill me makes me bitter and mean. #uninspirationalquotes
Rest in Peace, Elizabeth Edwards. You carried yourself with grace and dignity through it all. #cancerisbullshit
I am deeply offended that Thanksgiving is next weekend. Time? You can slow the shit down.
Dear Preschool Parents: I am sorry that I taught my son, "Boys have penises, girls have lasagnas."
I don't care what your Johnson looks like. To interrupt a grieving family to push a penis agenda is beyond fucked up.
The white stain on my pants would have, at one point, been semen. Now, I'm assuming it's cake mix. The mighty, she has fallen.
Fuck the Tooth Fairy. I want a Nacho
Being smart is overrated. Bacon, however, is not.
Inspirational tweets baffle me. I'm never inspired by tweets. Donuts, perhaps, but never tweets.