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Whatever. Peanut Butter Cups TOTALLY taste better than being skinny feels.
Time Magazine says Adderall may not make you smarter, it just makes you THINK you are. That's kind of like tequila. And being a teenager.
Vodka: the cause of - and answer to - all of life's problems.
My phone now autocorrects "advice," to "Assville." I feel this is a huge victory.
REALLY trying to be the bigger person about Fred Phelps. Turns out? Being the bigger person is bullshit. Fuck that guy.
No one better mess with my son in his beautiful butterfly costume. THERE ARE BOY BUTTERFLIES TOO.
Vodka: because feelings are bullshit.
That which does not kill me makes me bitter and mean. #uninspirationalquotes
I will not stay calm. I will kick bitches in the taco and break shit.
Rest in Peace, Elizabeth Edwards. You carried yourself with grace and dignity through it all. #cancerisbullshit
I am deeply offended that Thanksgiving is next weekend. Time? You can slow the shit down.
Dear Preschool Parents: I am sorry that I taught my son, "Boys have penises, girls have lasagnas."
I don't care what your Johnson looks like. To interrupt a grieving family to push a penis agenda is beyond fucked up.
If God has a voice, it HAS to sound like Johnny Cash.
Tom Jones wrote She's a Lady about me. He was being sarcastic.
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