Can I make a special request to people who make crack or meth, can you chop up some effing birth control and just toss it in the damn mix.

When a guy sticks his weiner in my vag I always start coughing and say it went down the wrong tube, we all have fun here.

One of my biggest fears would be the Harlem Globe Trotters playing keep away with my purse, they'd do cool shit and I couldn't get mad.

Its insane how in charge of your life your butthole truly is.

Kenny Chesney looks exactly how I imagine a turtle would look out of its shell.

I bet this sunburn feels like when Lindsay Lohan pees.

According to my dentist the lump in my breast is an implant.

When an officer asks if he can check my trunk I always like to pop the gas door cause I know they find that hilarious.

According to my 8th grade diary, my life was ruined when my dad didn't buy me a jacket, looks like I found who's responsible for this mess.

I wish I were as confident as my cat while she is taking a shit staring at everyone.

If you've seen Tremors you would never question why they keep the worms in the weapons section at Walmart.

Its amazing the shit you can get away with if you do it wearing a lab coat.

Just walked out of the bathroom licking my fingers, always a great response.

Nothing drops an IQ quicker than googling "yolo" to find out what the fuck people are saying.

I bet houses were so much cleaner before facebook.

Does it count as sex if it happens in Mexico?

Red eye flights make my brown eye sore.

Three nice things ruined by double meaning: buttercup, teabag, and dutchoven.

Hoping my gunt doesn't make my ass look big today.

I wonder if Chris Browns bitches ringtone is "Hit Me Baby, One More Time".