of course you can pay me in blow jobs!

fuck it... i'm starring your tweets even when they sound suicidal... yes, i love you THAT much

the only reason i got a twitter account is for the cleavage

True twitter love means you don't give a fuck if you're followed, starred, or RTd... I just want to follow you... into hell if necessary

I'm not sure I can fit in here on Twitter any more y'all... I'm getting laid tonight, so...

I know it's well past Valentine's Day, but I have this HUGE heart on for you!

It kinda chokes me up - when you tighten your grip around my throat.

wait... some of you are REAL people? get the FUCK OUT!

If you listen very carefully, you'll hear me not giving a fuck about what you think.

For you women who are careful and conscientious about what you put in your bodies, my penis is 100% orgasmic.

I've made nearly $0,000,000 re-selling stolen tweets guys.. they ARE worth stealing.

Twitter is the new running away from home

I don't always understand twitter, but when I do, I drink XX until I don't again

How can I tell which of the ladies I follow have bone us features?

How do we know we really exist outside of Twitter?

for you, i'll make an exception and give a fuck

new followers! it's good to know there are people as messed up as me in this world!

WARNING: The use of sarcasm, on Twitter, may be utilized in a manner you are not accustomed to and may result in severe mental injury.

I want to buy you sexy lingerie so I can take it off you and throw it on the floor.

Some comedians ascribe to timing and delivery as critical... maybe your tweets are funnier when someone else tweets em.