This is actually a place that exists. http://t.co/VGL6qnoJ

I wonder if I'll wake up tomorrow and be forced to relive the same day again. Wait, isn't that what everyone who has a job does? #groundhog

For some reason that brilliant comedy idea you just had to write down at 3AM never seems as funny the next morning.

There should be a Twilight Zone episode about someone who loses track of time while watching Twilight Zone episodes.

Don't you think the kid in Home Alone had to grow up into a sociopath who lures robbers into his house in order to torture them?

Watching #BigBangTheory & flashing back to when my friends walked to class arm in arm as "covalently bonded electrons." We didn't date much.

@kpteasdale @ciaojamie was watching QI and they had a buzzer play Jolene and Stephen Fry said she was his hero. Fry and I agree.

I love people who buy lottery tickets when its $640 mil but not when it's $90 mil. I mean after taxes it's hardly worth that $1 you spent.

Took the B train home instead of the 123 and felt like I was cheating on my long term relationship with someone really trashy. #MTAsnob

They should call the expiration dates on milk cartons "spoiler alerts."

I think I blew @kpteasdale's mind when I told her that I think Amazon named it the Kindle because they think real books are kindling now.

I love how it's now cool to brag about how uncool you used to be. Or is that just because I'm hanging out with nerdier people?

WME signed M. Night Shamalan. I think the twist is going to be that he's been signed with them THE ENTIRE TIME. #funnyin1999

@tomhanksishot I think Hipsters would say, "I don't believe in movies...only FILMS"

Watching #Dexter makes the father/son flashbacks scenes in #Psych seem super creepy. #shawnisprobablyaserialkiller

Will & Testament #DepressingSitcoms

Do you ever think about texting someone about a TV show on a Saturday night then realize that they're probably out doing something awesome?

Every time Kristin Wiig appears I can't help but think, "OMG, Kristin Wiig is in this episode!!" She's a star now. A STAR! #SNL

There has to be an improv team made up of middle-aged balding men called, "Test Pattern Baldness" and if there isn't, there should be.

I really want a reason to call someone a "Phillip K. Dickhead" in normal conversation. #amazinginsultandcompliment #justgivemeareason