There are 2 kinds of people in this world: People that do this one thing, and others who, quite frankly, don't do that at all.

Drunk retweeting. #drunk #retweeting

Girl named Jody on Wheel of Fortune tonight, call me. I love your irritating laugh.

@price_laborecon Me too. I'm calling them if my house starts burning.

I'm the guy in the 'before' photo.

That tourist stop that was advertised with miles of billboards on the interstate was, surprisingly, a big disappointment.

Mimes should have been cancelled by the network 395 years ago.

Might get ballsy and name my first-born girl Eileen.

@teapartycat @thedailyedge Obama is as bad at silencing critics as he is at economy-wrecking and socialism. #dowjones

Literally all single, childless, 35 yr-old women are bonkers.

Everyone you meet will eventually disappoint you, usually in the first 6 to 7 minutes, I find.

It sucks for Syria they don't have a ton of oil, because we would totally help those people out otherwise. #USA

I know doctors

Ok that new product from Apple is a total disappointment. I'll take one.

Do I ever NOT watch Inglorious Basterds if its on TV? Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!

My buddies and I came up with ironic meaningless nicknames for each other like Dragon, Nighthawk, and Microphallus Pete. We have fun.

Watching the women's CrossFit championships on ESPN while hungover in my robe does nothing for my self-esteem.

I guarantee everyone back in the 1800s had horrible, horrible breath like, all the time.

Watched the "opposite" Seinfeld episode. Prolly a good strategy, esp if you're NOT going 2 eat oatmeal creme pies cuz those are good

Baracknophobia #gopblockbustersummerfilms