How do you punch the internet?

Dear Canada, For your birthday I'm giving you Bieber back. No re-gifting.

I'm outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.

I rotate my Dairy Queens so I don't become a regular.

Can someone please explain to me why wine in a juice box doesn't come with a straw? Who screwed that up?

Did you know Spider-Man is the largest spider in the world? FACT

DON'T BLINK #CandyHeartRejects

Being a bully because you've been bullied is an excuse not a reason. Practice kindness to make the world a better place.

Tomorrow I'm calling in "not it" to work.

I've moved on from allergy meds to cold meds. Next up, whiskey meds.

Coworker just described himself as "not a complete asshole", so ladies... he's single...

Forget ice cream trucks. There should be wine trucks. Or whiskey trucks.

Just saw a cop car with a stuffed sloth in the passenger seat. COME BACK I LOVE YOU.

Just saw a dude peeing in the street. AND HE DIDN'T WASH HIS HANDS.

With the loss of its triple-A rating, America can no longer get free towing service.

Sometimes, you have to give up on people. Not because you don't care, but because they don't.

Dear everyone. If you think your friend is suicidal, get them help. Don't hesitate, or it could be too late. We lost a good soul today.

Being a grown up means wearing pants in public. This is bullshit.

I FAKED IT #CandyHeartRejects

When you lift a dumpster lid do you ever worry a bear will pop out? Or a dead hooker? No? Just me? Okay.