I used a lint brush this morning. I just want to be sure you guys know who you're dealing with here.

Maybe this will be the year I earn my Mary Kay pink Cadillac.

This is the longest SNL intro I have EVER seen! #debate2012

Everyone keeps asking "Can I get a RT?"....Doesn't anyone want a witness anymore?

I'm about to start reading the Hunger Games. Please promise me this isn't like the time you guys tried to trick me into reading Twilight.

I would like to trade my Mad Magazine collection for a time share in south Florida (oceanfront preferred). Please call if interested.

The guy in front of us is driving 45 and judging by how hard he's riding his brakes, his greatest fear in life must be hitting 46.

Frank in Stein Mart #BoringHorrorMovies

I can finally fit in my Guess jeans again! ........and no one wears Guess jeans anymore. I should have started this diet in 1989.

My wife just confused Van Morrison and Michael Buble so now we have to get a divorce. 

If you're working out and you're not listening to Eye of the Tiger, quit wasting your time.

I think Ryan Seacrest is getting confused.He just asked viewers to vote for the athletes they want to see compete again next week. #Olympics

I'm about to eat a meatball sub and I'm wearing a white shirt. I expect the worst.

I want to be a leader not a follower, but Twitter has made that impossible.

I thought I heard Tom Waits singing in a deep dark forest, but it was just a whooping crane drowning in the river.

Dear Hollywood, make this happen: Ewoks vs. Gremlins.

With everyone busy occupying, who does that leave to be in charge of flash mobs? #firstworldproblems

I feel my least smartest when I realize I'm watching commercials on a show I DVR'd.

Why do we keep searching for intelligent life on other planets? I know you've see Star Trek. Do we really want to find these people?

"Ummm, sooooo, I'm looking for ....snow tires ...for a Prius" -Lots of people at the Discount Tire store in Seattle today.