I haven't worked this hard to get approval from total strangers since the day I was adopted.

Just had a huge fight with my wife about not having enough sex. We worked it out though. Now for some hot make up masturbation.

Dear Canadians,

That's not bacon.

Your Fat Friends,
The Americans

My wife told me I'm too sarcastic. I told her that her ability to pick out all my flaws is why I married her.

Hey, hippies! Occupy a Super Cuts.

Libya is gonna party like its 1599.

Watch how you speak to me. You're talking to the man I love.

My wife preaches abstinence to my teen boys and then practices it in our bedroom.

Wife is dragging me to the mall today. I'll just tuck my nuts under my pillow until I get back. They don't match the purse I'll be holding.

The only way I'd ever wear white pants would be if I was a Colombian drug lord. My automatic weapon would make them less feminine.

I'm sorry I unplugged grandpa's life support but, my iPhone was about to die!

If I toss you something I expect you to catch it. If it hits you in the face it's your fault. Man up grandma.

Dumped all my candy in the bag of my first trick or treater and turned off the porch light. His best Halloween ever and mine is finished.

My body looks like God chiseled me out of mashed potatoes.

The only thing my wife and I have in common is that we were both married on the same day.

I read that women look at a man's feet to get an idea about how big his cock is. I now wear my snow shoes 365 days a year.

HEY! People who've been on Twitter less than a year and have 5,000+ tweets! Shut up long enough to star and retweet me you selfish pricks!

Facebook update: Everyone seems to be saddened by the passing of another weekend but, are hopeful for a good week to come. Heart

My wife just lit two scented candles in my home gym. It smells just like my masculinity burning.

I climbed out of the YMCA pool today and overheard a little girl say, "when I'm older I want boobs as big as that". She was pointing at me.