We Have Always Lived in the White Castle #literaryrestaurants

My tween self adored Whitney Houston, and my grown-up self was really rooting for her. Sad day.

New classroom...my podium has a mic. You should've seen heads shoot up when "I see you texting!" boomed out overhead like the voice of God.

Just remembered one of my first poems. "I had an aunt / who turned into a plant. / I'm not sure how / she's a philodendron now." THANK YOU.

If we forget to lock the toilet's child latch, Mina will go in and carefully lock it for us. I don't think this is how childproofing works.

I am now kind of shipping Day-Lewis and Streep. MAYBE I HAVE HAD TOO MUCH WINE. <denzelinflight> "I'm drunk right now." </denzelinflight>

This guy in line at Trader Joe's is buying eight bottles of two-buck Chuck and a bag of frozen peas. Good luck with your vasectomy, sir!

"I looked you up on Rate My Professor Dot Com. It was pretty good. And you have a chili pepper. You know what that means."

Just once, can Obama drop the mic? Come on, Mr. President. Drop the miiiiiiic. It'll feel so good.

Loopy and sleepy on Percocet, and hurty after surgery, but look at the perfection of this baby! http://t.co/hNi2vxd

Anne Hathaway is trying too hard, and James Franco is not trying hard enough. Bring back Billy Crystal! #oscars

Finally, a site where you can see who has starred your tweets! Thanks for the stars! http://favstar.fm/users/mopie (via @thebenbrooks)

@iangoulash: "If your birds had a Twitter account, all their tweets would say 'TWEET!' And there would be one every second."

@rumhud I'll hand out balloon animals shaped like their hopes & dreams, then pop them with a safety pin. That's called a "metaphor," class!

Flipping through Entertainment Weekly, Mina asks: "Who that?" Me: "Matt Lauer." Mina: "Yeees. Matt Lawwer." <maniacal laughter>

#ThingsGirlsLike: Football, particle physics, boobs, Belgian beer, subverting the patriarchy, being called "women," Bruce Lee movies.

ScarJo got left out of the Avengers but got her boobs mentioned in a song. That's the level of respect for women we're working with here.

Toddler talk: "Bus bus bus again please bus swish coat string zipper down up owl eraser paper pen bird tree penguin doo doo doo all done!"

I am so happy right now I could totally hate-fuck Mitt Romney.

Romney: My job is not to worry about the 47%. Seth Meyers: Don’t worry, buddy, it’s looking less and less likely that it will be your job.