I reckon you'd sell more hamsters if you called them portable bears.

I didn't get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I'm pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip.

Is grateful a sexual position?

Stapled a leaf back on a tree cos i heart nature.

i think the internet should get over cats, they're just poor people's lions

I am at the cinema. There are also girls at the cinema. THAT'S A DATE, kind of.

I'm a professional dance teacher. Well, semi-pro. Amateur. I don't teach.
Moral of the story is I lie. No one likes a judge
Yes, I'm a judge

The backstory I made up for the girl sitting next to me is just ridiculous, so now I'm going to punch her in the head for being such a liar.

I think I accidently took a vow of celibacy that everybody knows about but me

Girl's mountain bikes should be called 'bykes'

Forest Gump is a movie about a man that gets laid then goes on a three year celebratory lap of honour

I'm going to buy a cat and call it 'all my friends'. Then I'll sound pretty popular in all my stories.

My phone just started ringing. I've put it outside until it calms down.

a customer asked for my business card so i wrote my number on an empty twix wrapper. I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR CALL SIR.

Whilst in my pocket my phone wrote 'opportunity' in to the search bar. What are you planning phone?

Tuesday is the day I go to planned parenthood and convince young single mothers to keep the kid. Like a horrible stripper creating angel.

There are two squirrels in the back garden playing. Just checking with my mum if I can play out and I'LL BE OUT IN TWO MINUTES GUYS!!

Ive gone do de dentist and di dant feel my dongue.

Haha, im just playing it doesnt affect my typing but that was good fun we had there.

Me and my girlfriend play this fun game where she isnt real and i cry and then we laugh and go and feed ducks together in the park.

A boy just made eye contact with me at a urinal so I'm gay now