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  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Cooking is stupid. Just eat all the ingredients. Stop wasting time.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    MrSammyblishchockablockaJulieTokeslukelomelicreeptwinsmonroenapier415sunshinekimisdking
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    pdlhealychockablockaUghnotmarandajfinlayscreeptwinsmonroenapiergazing_venust_lee_c
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    I reckon you'd sell more hamsters if you called them portable bears.

    • 77
    • FAVS
    TamiCruThe_Dorkster______BigMedwardsNotThatKevintrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mchrisjoonior
    • 142
    • RETWEETS
    Kassicoltrumpthechumpemor8tRobotsNoFollowohhnoitsmeaganButter_bumpsTheRealRHBpowerfulshampoo
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    I didn't get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I'm pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip.

    • 124
    • FAVS
    zeki_jamesthereontheleftBigMedwardserin_hicks_fucknoxiousmrt1malizmayCseashells
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsnattenshoranyakallo4uAmburglar_NJORefrigeratorDanagentkyleImCaseyjo
    Justineamanduh
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Is grateful a sexual position?

    • 96
    • FAVS
    thereontheleftOhTurdFergussencrocodilejeersHorsecoqisfunnytrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mchrisjoonior
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    trumpthechumpJayElem00everylilthingBesos4BellaFavstar500FavsSup3rFreaKJustineamanduhBigMedwards
    Justineamanduh
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Stapled a leaf back on a tree cos i heart nature.

    • 55
    • FAVS
    BigMedwardstrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mchrisjoonioryogii77PTERRYNDACTYLJasonBerlin
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsElloElloweezKissMe_ImAlisonitsajdamnitProtestTheRoyNJOMisternineteenCantWait2beaDad
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    i think the internet should get over cats, they're just poor people's lions

    • 70
    • FAVS
    trumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mJayElem00vxlkDJHouseSlippersAmburglar_everylilthing
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsmanchestermartMamieTeaMeerkatMannersShouldBeATeeshamroxmysoxLipglosslesboIrreleventWords
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    I'm a professional dance teacher. Well, semi-pro. Amateur. I don't teach.
    Moral of the story is I lie. No one likes a judge
    Yes, I'm a judge

    • 61
    • FAVS
    thereontheleftK8spadestiffmacjiffAraEva_23maebemarblespointbreakmaskDraydenShadowsLaurieDuvall3
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    stiffmacjiffAraEva_23yadyxx13maebemarblesBigMedwardsFavstar500FavsJayElem00TheiHEARTbeer
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    I am at the cinema. There are also girls at the cinema. THAT'S A DATE, kind of.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    thereontheleftBigMedwardstrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mchrisjooniorSqueeb_SlayerJayElem00
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    AndrewR31Favstar500FavsNJOMizzAnnThropexUnicornxPornxohheymickeydrollpatrolixSEANxi
    AndrewR31
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    The backstory I made up for the girl sitting next to me is just ridiculous, so now I'm going to punch her in the head for being such a liar.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    thereontheleftK8spadepointbreakmaskmyles_morrisontrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mJayElem00
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    BigMedwardsshatoya24Favstar500FavsDctorFun__SteveSperNYIrish_317SafelyInDangermaxeaston
    BigMedwards
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    I think I accidently took a vow of celibacy that everybody knows about but me

    • 57
    • FAVS
    BigMedwardstrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mSqueeb_SlayerJayElem00AndrewR31vxlk
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsNJOmarcusbellahJustineamanduhfavstar_popIncredibleMsDee__tamrockshamrockmjtriggs
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Girl's mountain bikes should be called 'bykes'

    • 55
    • FAVS
    thereonthelefttrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mSidewaysTravSqueeb_SlayerJayElem00vxlk
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavscactibeachDctorFun__dismokiphotopylewordjitsumynameisjedfavstar_pop
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Forest Gump is a movie about a man that gets laid then goes on a three year celebratory lap of honour

    • 48
    • FAVS
    trumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mCseashellsJayElem00vxlkDJHouseSlippersmissmayn
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    Noxious518LuisBasoraASecretTweetThaRizzy__________Mi_chiamo_ReneNJOhavenscarletteJustineamanduh
    Justineamanduh
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    My phone just started ringing. I've put it outside until it calms down.

    • 48
    • FAVS
    thereontheleftBigMedwardsNotThatKevinGrapeJuice40______trumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mJayElem00
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    trumpthechumpLadyMehmaladeblidgeteverylilthingNotNickSametzrhinordcROGERNEAL69909LetsBeuk
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    I'm going to buy a cat and call it 'all my friends'. Then I'll sound pretty popular in all my stories.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    BigMedwardstrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mmarcusbellahsupcailinSirAfiqahGirl_B
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    emily_frazernicoleleboeuf____cutefianceeRealPrincessKimmbraith3Justineamanduhashwoodnthavenscarlette
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    a customer asked for my business card so i wrote my number on an empty twix wrapper. I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR CALL SIR.

    • 41
    • FAVS
    K8spadestiffmacjiffKittySaysMeeowLaurieDuvall3BigMedwards_fucknoxiousmrt1mecho4h____
    • 16
    • RETWEETS
    BigMedwardshijabiladycookythecookAshleyzalecho4h____BradCheshter______CatsPoliticslissthiss_
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Whilst in my pocket my phone wrote 'opportunity' in to the search bar. What are you planning phone?

    • 45
    • FAVS
    thereontheleftBigMedwards_fucknoxiousmrt1mJayElem00vxlkTheiHEARTbeerDJHouseSlippers
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    NJOClakeBentcslashw__________acfinnMidloJoMsCarlissimaicicle_halo_
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Tuesday is the day I go to planned parenthood and convince young single mothers to keep the kid. Like a horrible stripper creating angel.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    OhTurdFergussentrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mJayElem00vxlkTheiHEARTbeerDJHouseSlippers
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    BigMedwardsDctorFun__2chickzjakobjakturixSEANxi
    BigMedwards
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    There are two squirrels in the back garden playing. Just checking with my mum if I can play out and I'LL BE OUT IN TWO MINUTES GUYS!!

    • 39
    • FAVS
    thereonthelefttrumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mCseashellsJayElem00vxlkTheiHEARTbeer
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    JayElem00frozentoastMsCarlissimafranklyjuliefavstar_popImCaseyjoJustineamanduhDarcyWino________
    Justineamanduh
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Pigeons are fun to watch if I you imagine they're all helping one pigeon find his keys.

    • 35
    • FAVS
    RyanWeller9ImJasonHNJOsupersnackmarasaineyhotforamishGhadaM__Pic_Nick
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    MaiMMMMETatumRHunterdigitaldamarulalalakrista13julierogueswissquesoixSEANxipizzadad37167____
  • more_orderly
      matt @more_orderly

    Ive gone do de dentist and di dant feel my dongue.

    Haha, im just playing it doesnt affect my typing but that was good fun we had there.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    trumpthechump_fucknoxiousmrt1mDJHouseSlippersMsCarlissimaJayElem00masenfimAndrewR31
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    ChristiConsuzy_saintiamabigtwatHussein_A_ixSEANxi
@more_orderly

@more_orderly

When you're in the kitchen, I'm busy high-fiving your cat.