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It's easier to get Ebola in Texas than an abortion
Bravo should do a reality show about women who have jobs.
"well that's a load on my back" - relieved slut
Is murder even illegal in Florida anymore?
telling gay teens that life gets better is nice, but what they really need to hear is that their bullies will have mistake babies & die fat.
is it cool to bring a selfie stick to a funeral?
50 CENT HAS A COLOGNE AND IT'S NOT CALLED 50 SCENT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or wait two weeks like I usually do?
my favorite Oscar red carpet game is "dad or boyfriend."
Big deal. They kissed on a balcony. I got fingered on a stoop once, and no one threw ME a parade. #StoopFingering
Biden's teeth are so white they're voting for Romney. #VPDebate
Is the moral of Homeland that teenagers are more annoying than terrorists?
being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead.
people who set off fireworks on July 5th have a favorite wrestler.
we wouldn't have Mother's Day without jizz.
Twitter = "I'm miserable!"
Instagram = "My life is amazing!"
"I'm going to funk the ship outta your tight picnic you forgetful horse!!" - porn on basic cable
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have requested that in lieu of wedding gifts, everyone stop laughing uncontrollably at them.
I have to go to twitter for my news because the news is too busy showing me tweets.
I write and say comedy.
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