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Bravo should do a reality show about women who have jobs.
Donald Trump is the first joke I've ever been offended by.
"well that's a load on my back" - relieved slut
Is murder even illegal in Florida anymore?
what if they remade Ghostbusters with all women to save money?
telling gay teens that life gets better is nice, but what they really need to hear is that their bullies will have mistake babies & die fat.
is it cool to bring a selfie stick to a funeral?
in all fairness most of the people at the oscars are unbearable, pretentious narcissists and white people are just better at that.
50 CENT HAS A COLOGNE AND IT'S NOT CALLED 50 SCENT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead.
Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or wait two weeks like I usually do?
I would go out more if there were hip clubs with beds where you can bring your dog and watch prison documentaries and not talk to anyone.
my favorite Oscar red carpet game is "dad or boyfriend."
Big deal. They kissed on a balcony. I got fingered on a stoop once, and no one threw ME a parade. #StoopFingering
I don't know if I'm voting for Hillary or Sanders but I do know that "Feel the Bern" is a much better slogan than "Rub the Clint"
Biden's teeth are so white they're voting for Romney. #VPDebate
I write and say comedy.
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