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Bravo should do a reality show about women who have jobs.
"well that's a load on my back" - relieved slut
Is murder even illegal in Florida anymore?
telling gay teens that life gets better is nice, but what they really need to hear is that their bullies will have mistake babies & die fat.
is it cool to bring a selfie stick to a funeral?
50 CENT HAS A COLOGNE AND IT'S NOT CALLED 50 SCENT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead.
Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or wait two weeks like I usually do?
my favorite Oscar red carpet game is "dad or boyfriend."
Big deal. They kissed on a balcony. I got fingered on a stoop once, and no one threw ME a parade. #StoopFingering
Biden's teeth are so white they're voting for Romney. #VPDebate
Is the moral of Homeland that teenagers are more annoying than terrorists?
people who set off fireworks on July 5th have a favorite wrestler.
we wouldn't have Mother's Day without jizz.
Twitter = "I'm miserable!"
Instagram = "My life is amazing!"
"I'm going to funk the ship outta your tight picnic you forgetful horse!!" - porn on basic cable
Kim Davis looks like a nurse who kills her patients
I write and say comedy.
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