"well that's a load on my back" - relieved slut

Just found a picture of Tommy Lee Jones having an orgasm: pic.twitter.com/pys4rz6l

telling gay teens that life gets better is nice, but what they really need to hear is that their bullies will have mistake babies & die fat.

50 CENT HAS A COLOGNE AND IT'S NOT CALLED 50 SCENT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Big deal. They kissed on a balcony. I got fingered on a stoop once, and no one threw ME a parade. #StoopFingering

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or wait two weeks like I usually do?

Biden's teeth are so white they're voting for Romney. #VPDebate

people who set off fireworks on July 5th have a favorite wrestler.

"I'm going to funk the ship outta your tight picnic you forgetful horse!!" - porn on basic cable

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have requested that in lieu of wedding gifts, everyone stop laughing uncontrollably at them.

the doctor says I didn't catch AIDS but the replacement refs said I did. Super confused and might have AIDS.

I think I'm addicted to naps cuz I take one every time I do heroin.

CNN just reported that nobody is making CNN jokes on twitter.

Dear people with kids, I'm going to take a nap now and get up whenever I feel like it. After that, I'm gonna do whatever I want.

you guys wanna see my sex tape? pic.twitter.com/rB9o8qPWG1

Dog the Bounty Hunter bailed Nicolas Cage out of jail. In case you were wondering what the stupidest thing you're going to hear today is.

crying at a commercial is your soul's way of alerting you it's at 10%.

"a poor person came up to me and told me something that proves my point." - politicians

Stop asking God why bad shit happens. God hates FAQs.

Mary Magdalene is the oldest trick in The Book.