"well that's a load on my back" - relieved slut

Just found a picture of Tommy Lee Jones having an orgasm: pic.twitter.com/pys4rz6l

telling gay teens that life gets better is nice, but what they really need to hear is that their bullies will have mistake babies & die fat.

Big deal. They kissed on a balcony. I got fingered on a stoop once, and no one threw ME a parade. #StoopFingering

50 CENT HAS A COLOGNE AND IT'S NOT CALLED 50 SCENT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Biden's teeth are so white they're voting for Romney. #VPDebate

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or wait two weeks like I usually do?

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have requested that in lieu of wedding gifts, everyone stop laughing uncontrollably at them.

the doctor says I didn't catch AIDS but the replacement refs said I did. Super confused and might have AIDS.

"I'm going to funk the ship outta your tight picnic you forgetful horse!!" - porn on basic cable

Dog the Bounty Hunter bailed Nicolas Cage out of jail. In case you were wondering what the stupidest thing you're going to hear today is.

CNN just reported that nobody is making CNN jokes on twitter.

people who set off fireworks on July 5th have a favorite wrestler.

I think I'm addicted to naps cuz I take one every time I do heroin.

AMC's slogan should just be, "if you're in an RV, some major shit has gone down in your life." #BreakingBad #WalkingDead

"a poor person came up to me and told me something that proves my point." - politicians

Dear people with kids, I'm going to take a nap now and get up whenever I feel like it. After that, I'm gonna do whatever I want.

you guys wanna see my sex tape? pic.twitter.com/rB9o8qPWG1

Stop asking God why bad shit happens. God hates FAQs.

Just saw Legitimate Rape open for Pussy Riot.