Happy Birthday @jennyjohnsonhi5. I hope you touch a weiner today!

Is this about oral sex, Tracy?
RT @tracymcmillan: If you want to get something, give it.

FYI there WILL be tix available at the door for my taping at @nerdmelt tonight. Shows at 7 & 9.

thank you ahead of time if you're coming to one of my tapings tonight. I'm sorry if I have a panic attack and start to pee on stage.

I'm crying on the inside (of my car).

@dannyzuker @ericstonestreet I overreacted. I'm very vulnerable today. Very close to paying a hooker to hold my hand and listen.

@dannyzuker @ericstonestreet hey Danny, please teach Eric how to write NICE comedy.

this is tonight RT @nerdmelt: 7 & 9pm, we're hosting the filming of Morgan Murphy's special. We'll have FREE tix at the door. Don't miss it!

ummmm...there's an episode of CSI with @bryancallen, @realjeffreyross, @realgilbert & Bobcat Goldthwait, AND IT'S ON NOW. You're welcome.

It looks like I have a huge weird penis in this picture. RT @thecomedystore: thanks for hanging with us tonight. pic.twitter.com/KPW7tXTNyE

having a sex tape is the new having a skill.

There's a Black Twitter?!! Can me be on it??
RT @bossip: Top 10 Funniest Women On Black Twitter  http://bossip.com/774902/comedy-gold-top-10-funniest-women-on-black-twitter …

If you wait till you get married to have sex & your husband dies the day after the wedding, that's for sure the most awkward one night stand

@nottjmiller congrats on the picky uppy poopface!

@bryanfuller Gillian Anderson on Hannibal is my favorite thing. Thank you. Good bye.

Every wife is a trophy wife. It's just that some of them are participation trophies.

Hey girl in your 20's, that guy you're crying about will be so fat in 5 years. Night night.

@marcmaron @americanair I think it's a coke thing.

@marcmaron @americanair now I wanna know who it was. Was it Gary? It's ALWAYS Gary.

@steveagee sounds good, Stan.