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"What do we want?!"
"When do we want it?!" "IRRELEVANT!"
My grandma asked if "tweeting" was a new drug kids are doing and I said yes because the truth is more embarrassing.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.
If "come over for wine and a movie" wasn't obvious enough, how's "here's my vagina, you should do sex to it"
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, ok you can put it in my butt.
Taylor Swift's next album should be called "Maybe I'm the Problem."
Damn boy are you liquid eyeliner because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fuck this up.
My favorite sex position is sure ok.
I asked Siri why I'm not married and she responded with a picture of my cat. Also, I don't have an iPhone and have been drinking.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I'm a terrible gardener.
I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she was seen near Sutter's Mill in 1848 carrying a sluice box & a rock hammer so it's very likely.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
If ONE MORE person tells me I look like Katy Perry or Joan Jett, I'll prolly sleep with him, too.
What if I told you that you could go to the gym without telling everyone on Facebook about it?
".....And now we wait." -me to my cats while drinking after hitting "tweet" and checking my favstar page
I could really use a massage. In my vagina. With a penis.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Just kidding. Fuck you guys.
ME: Knock knock.
FRIEND: Who's there?
FRIEND: To who?
ME: To WHOM.
FRIEND: Go fuck yourself.
Sometimes I hate people and other times I am sleeping.