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Airports. Strange places, especially when you have 15kg of loose corned beef in your under garments.
There’s a power cut. Is this the start of armageddon? I’ve not even got any crisps and I’m terrible at fights.
What is the item that urban musicians are “bringing”. A mini cheddar? An elderly cat? A section of scalextric track? I despise riddles.
Some people pronounce Ralph Lauren “Ralph La-wren” when, in fact, it is actually pronounced “Ralph Loran”. My piles are killing me.
A man has just sent me a message to ask if he can come and look at my fridge. A ‘viewing’ for a £70 fridge. Ah eBay how I missed you.
I live in a sleepy Cornish village. Tonight, at the town hall, Phill Jupitus did a gig. I trod in dog muck on the way home.
I’m going to buy a bum bag today.
Fursday. Be sure to wear the fur of a mythical beast today. Minotaur or Griffin work well. Alternatively don an anorak or jacket.
Terrible surf this morning. I got in someone’s way like an idiot and then got out riddled with shame. I might commit Seppuku.
Who do you think is the murderer in Broadchurch? I think it’s David Tenant or Richard Branson.
Love. Love like a tortured sparrow trying to eat a gherkin.
I don't wee in my wetsuit. I've trapped my balls in my belt twice.