If I could have one super power, I'd probably fuck it up.

Real life nurses give just as many blow jobs as porn nurses. The only differences: music, penis size, and duration.

I sometimes wonder what it smells like after a cannibal takes a dump.

Woke up this morning with a song in my heart...was rushed to the ER. About to go into surgery.

Of all the horrible ways to die, I think drowning in a septic tank is the way I will die horribly.

I've seen 3 mentally retarded men nude in my lifetime. They all had massive cocks. Life is not fair.

Christopher Reeve was the "Man of Steel". Then he fell off a horse and became the "Man of Still" below his neck.

"You wait and see, Mr. Carruthers. I will be mayor! I'll be the most powerful man in Hill Valley." -- Alternate Universe Obama

This guy gets it. RT @nicklauslouis: ...who let the idiots out? http://t.co/bk5ViL9y

I'd like to meet the man who invented joy and make him sad.

@nicklauslouis What goes up, must come down. What goes down, must spit cum.

Every morning I wake up and the splintered glass dildo of life is inserted.

For the record, I'm not "the guy who wants to kill himself for cumming while watching the shit porn." I'm OK with my shit porn habits.

Why does God allow terminally ill children to smile?

@nicklauslouis Fuck your life.

Just discovered I had a big booger in my nose while talking to my mechanic. #fml

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. I'll blow your head off! I'm Joker, maybe." -- James Holmes #theatershooting #aurora

My wife is crazy. I realized this just as she sliced off my penis.

One of these days I'm gonna put rat poison in the water cooler.

"Wasting away again with methamphetamines." #rejectedlyrics