my parents divorce settlement included a bar tab

yep when we separated i took the things she didnt realize were important like all the backs to her earings

i love how just my pure existence pisses people off

cases of cheap beer should come with a free roll of toilet paper

just because i didnt have breakfast or lunch yet doesnt mean i cant start drinking

When ur ass is so big it makes u walk funny its time to do something other than sit on it

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

i love when drinking is an olympic event

i remember growing up i was always told"if u have nothing nice to say,say nothing at all"just wish they could see me on twitter now fuckers

and how smart do you really have to be to be in charge of the retards?

that guys face has such a painful twist to it looks like he jacked off with icy hot

she would be so much prettier with my load on her face

my nose is so snotty and full of coke that i could call it the hilton sisters

her:so you worship the devil?
me:no but im starting to think he worships me

do you think its points off for swerving into the sobriety checkpoint?

I am not a failure im just good at finding things that dont work

can some1 tell me wtf a subtweet is?

were all just prisoners of our own device

yes i used to come with a warning label,but it wore off over the years,sorry for the suprise

Listening to best of stern.."me giving head is a need not a want"where do i find these women?