Why men get married is a mystery. Why they'd marry two women is a bigamistery.

My girlfriend called me an a**hole. She's the only girl I know that can pronounce asterisks.

If I ever have my own drink, I'll name it F5. It will be refreshing.

Him? Oh no. He's not dead, he's just living impaired.

So its bikini season once again. But I wish my dad would stick to trunks.

What if Billy Mays' teleprompter was just stuck in caps lock?

Whenever I water my grass I yell out "where my hose at?" Because I'm a sad human being.

I'm sure Steve Jobs is in an appier place.

19 followers to hit 200. Make it happen and I wont tell Jesus about all the bad words you guys say.

Give it a rest. Preferably cardiac.

Soy Milk.

Translation: I am milk.

"The only reason I don't get a tweet of the day award is because I only tweet at night" - what I tell myself to avoid crying to sleep

I hate when people are patronizing. (That means they make you feel stupid.)

I have OCDC its like OCD but it rocks.

I was called both adorable and thin today. Now I'm just waiting for the news about my terminal illness that everybody else is aware of.

My blanket has sleeves. Snug life.

I wanted to hit 150 followers today :( oh well, I'll just settle for leaving them cruel messages.

Is it bad that the only position i know is "fetal"?

If I ever get to the point where the best part of waking up is a cup of coffee, somebody shoot me.

Suicide bombers wear Fruit of the Boom underwear.