I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I'm exhausted.

*an omniscient being suddenly appears*

Being: I know all, in this Universe and the next. You may ask one question.

Me: Do you even lift?

You don't like outer space? What are you, galactose intolerant?

Enough on Mars. Must get back to making Earth hotter, cutting science budgets & killing each other over religious differences

Having chronic depression would probably be a lot more fun if it involved more of the chronic and less of the depression.

I love the end of THE GIVING TREE when the stump is chained and uprooted, showcasing the torque of the completely redesigned 2013 Dodge Ram.

DNA showed that the Mountain Lion captured in L.A. is inbred. And just as I expected, it's already recording a country music album.

Picked my dog up from the groomer today & they put a bow in his hair. And ya know? He wore it really well. As if to say "this is ME, world!"

"I always go the extra mile at work." - World's Worst Bus Driver

I'm sorry, guy with the "Why lie, I need a beer sign", but I can barely support my own alcoholism.

Hey-Man would be a good name for a hipster superhero.

OMG! How he describes the glo-sticks & the music & the flashing lights & the dancing! SUCH A GOOD ARTICLE! (rave review of a rave review)

A lot more ppl would join the military if they let you dress up like Mortal Kombat characters #USA

I'm surprised there aren't more Cubans on the swimming competitions at the Olympics.

Why am I watching qualifying rounds? You had 4 years to figure this out. #Olympics

Costco is like a brothel: You go there for one thing, and leave with a bunch of stuff you'll never get rid of.

Adderall: When you wanna get tons of shit done while getting absolutely nothing done™

HOT local grizzly bears dying to eat YOU!

Having a very hard time getting to sleep with all these things running through my head after I bought this repressed memory foam mattress.

"I'm a real mother fucker" --a fake mother fucker