Ever lived in Manhattan, KS? Watch this video @frankdoubleyou @wyankey and I made! "Sh!t Manhattanites Say." http://t.co/tqiFFZuJ

Just set an alarm to remember to brush my teeth. Does that mean I'm officially a mom?

Manhattan, KS: where a horse trailer is a perfectly normal replacement for U-Hauls.

I will base friendship on Toaster Strudel frosting technique.

Can we all collectively stop using the term "date night" yet?

Used the excuse of "Liz Lemon did it" four times today. I might need therapy, @nbc30rock.

Thinking @ericstonestreet and @frankmartinksu might particularly like our video "Sh!t Manhattanites Say." http://t.co/tqiFFZuJ

On my way to the Golden Globes! And by Golden I mean porcelain, and by Globes I mean toilet.

If you pronounce it "vahz" one more time, I'm going to stick it up your "ahz."

Just ate stocking stuffers for dinner, in case you're wondering how I'm doing.

You mean this guy, @prodigalsam? Bob Ross is ALIVE. http://t.co/tIYPjPkQ

I'm not 100% on this one, but I'm pretty sure Pan Am is just short for 'Pancakes, Amtrak!'

H1N1 = bad virus.
1N1H = things heard on Wheel Of Fortune.

If you're feeling down, just think: you have probably farted at the same time as Oprah.

When all else fails, just envision a very large person trying to get on a hammock.

Went to yoga for the first time ever tonite, and I didn't even fart! Thanks, @orangeskyyoga.

Hey skinny-armed pregnant ladies, go eat some butter sticks.

Either we just saw the baby kick, or E.T. found his way home (in my bowels).

I forgot that wearing shorts requires shaving and not blinding people.

PT Cruisers: now with 100% guaranteed embarrassment!