How is everyone on the planet not following @nottildaswinton ? I don't get it.

@acbreaux @encarta95 is probably the best of all programs. I read it once.

@thatbguy pray to @nottildaswinton and she can make you whole.

@nottildaswinton be my mother.

Is there already a t-shirt with the phrase "pool players have more balls!" on it? And if not, why?

I really need a cheeseburger inside me right now.

National Treasure >>> The Da Vinci Code

@rachelkristin Just imagine a white guy wearing plaid, crumping to rap and then suddenly punching himself, and checking for a nosebleed.

Congrats to Dean Pelton. #oscars

FDR was not confined to a wheelchair due to polio, but in fact, had no legs, because he was a merman born in lake Michigan. #PresidentFacts

My valentine this year is my electric blanket. (this is not a sad tweet. I'm excited about this)

"grown men" talking about their kids little league is equal parts fascinating, pathetic, and terrifying. They take this really seriously.

Whenever you see me using lots of exclamation marks online, you should assume I'm freaking out á la Nic Cage's "how'd it get burned!"

So, some people actually like Britta?

If you utter the phrase "i lack the sobriety for this task" then it probably means you actually don't.

I spilled yogurt on my cardigan, and now I'll have to wash it, or it's gonna start smelling bad, but I just did laundry. #oldmanproblems

I don't normally get into politics on the Internet, but how about how that one guy said that thing. That was pretty ridiculous.

@acbreaux I had to stop creeping on girls on my phone because I was always accidentally liking pictures of them in bikini's.

I love @samuelljackson so much.

Hey. Dear guy who wrote "big dick bandit" on your shirt. You do know you basically guaranteed that no girl will talk to you tonight, right?