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Sometimes I feel as though I don't love bacon or hate Comic Sans enough to be on the Internet.
Bud Light Lime is what happens when alcohol doesn't apply itself.
It's 2015. Why haven't we women evolved to shoot actual lasers from our eyes when men tell us to smile?
A gentle reminder to live your life, not your fear.
What do you want to be when you give up?
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is also the definition of practice.
The message on your t-shirt is shaking the foundation of my entire belief system.
What doesn't kill you obviously wasn't administered in a lethal dose.
Until Bernie Sanders adopts "Bern Down for What" as his campaign slogan, I refuse to believe in America.
When do I stop calling it bed head and start accepting it as my regular hairstyle?
The next time you find yourself reaching for the mic to belt out "Lady Marmalade," please remember: KARAOKE IS NOT A VICTIMLESS CRIME.
It's amazing that so many people think a cucumber is a vegetable, when it's actually a dildo.
I started listening to "Rapper's Delight" three days ago and still haven't reached the part where the chicken tastes like wood.
Squirrels may not be as complex as humans, but they sure are a lot harder to hit with my car.
It's funny how we park in driveways and drive on parkways and masturbate in funeral parlors.
You are now free to lower your expectations.
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