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BREAKING: US TERROR ALERT LEVEL RAISED TO "CONFETTI."
Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?
It was Chewie.
A cyberbully just knocked a stack of ebooks out of my inbox on the way to a webinar.
Train just won a #Grammy! Missed the category, but I assume it was "Songs That Make Me Leave A Store"
"These are my children: Maru, Horse_e, Aziz, Hashtag, Cray, and Gosling." - Future All of Us
Nobody ever told that little old lady where the beef was. She died without knowing the location of the beef.
Riot kissing is the new planking.
The Nat'l Weather Service has issued the following statement: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"Where did we come from? Where will we go?" - Cotton Eyed Joseph Campbell
Not to seem like a downer, but what's up with the ceaseless, hope crushing grind of each new dawn in this prison called life?
"You're doing a heck of a job, brownie." - Me, to my Hurricane snack
Leonard Cohen is turning over in Jeff Buckley's grave right now. #emmys
I've lived in Brooklyn so long I can no longer tell the difference between attractive, quirky and batshit crazy.
Matthew McConaughey has absolutely no idea why they put buttons on the top third of shirts.
If I were swimming in a pool, and you threw a hot dog in that pool, I am not so sure I wouldn't eat that hot dog.
IF YOU PAY YOUR BILLS THEY STOP CALLING YOU AND YOU REALIZE NOBODY EVER CALLS YOU SO YOU STOP PAYING YOUR BILLS AND THEY START CALLING YOU.
I bet improv troupe camping trips are the leading cause of suicide amongst bears.
The "Hitch" Likers Guide To The Galaxy
Two middle aged women just barged into this pub and demanded Chardonnay like they just came from murdering a mutual ex-husband.