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If you see only one circle in the sand it means Belinda Carlisle is carrying you.
Rick Steves keeps describing his new book "Europe Through the Back Door" as the karma sutra book of European travel.
Hey Burl Ives, why would I kiss her once for you? What's going on between you two, anyway?
Seriously pissed that "Life of Pi" isn't called "Tiger Boat."
"Hell, at this point I'd settle for dancing with somebody who KNOWS me." - Whitney Houston lowers her expectations.
Obama could run on "Mitt Romney has Creed frontman Scott Strap's endorsement" alone and I would vote for him.
Sorry ladies, but grapes are hilarious. Especially if you ferment them for a while and drink them later with your friends. #Tosh
How do you become one of those attractive people Kashi sends to the third world to pillage their lands in the name of their granola empire?
My Rage Against the Machine Cover Band, Rage Against Windows, is going to kill at Westlake Center tonight. #seamayday
Just saw a guy with tattoos for eyebrows carrying a baby and thought "God, I hope he stole that baby."
One of the most complicated relationships I have in my life is with the person who brings doughnuts into work.
Ramses Barden sounds like the name of a syndrome. "Did you hear? The Johnson's baby was born with Ramses Barden."
I have olympic dreams too, only mine involve introducing Destiny Hooker to Yoshi Takeashita.
The Olive Garden: When you're here, so is impending diarrhea. #tweetthejoke
I can't whistle, so if you hear a faint blowing sound know that I'm being raped.
They say that elephants never forget. That's why it's all the more tragic when they get molested.
I like to think rainbows are God's way of saying "boy, that storm was really gay."