"No" means NO, but,"OH HELL NO" means you're gonna get cut.

No, Katy Perry, you can NOT come to my Hello Kitty tea party.

If it ain't broke, break it.

I think it's mean to call someone a "quasimodo" when they're obviously a full modo.

"Let's get this puppy off the ground." - Guy Picking Up a Puppy.

@therealroseanne I remember when Chick-Fil-A was just really shitty food. Look how far they've come!

"Glee" rhymes with "crap." Coincidence?

I think I just accidentally felt someone up and tried to explain it with,"My arms are swingy."

This chick is screaming, commanding her dog to shit. Y'know, because that works.

I want to find the most boring person in the world and stalk them.

I only think I'm better than you because you're so judgmental.

Does this head make my neck look fat?

George Michael's mullet is my touchstone.

The passcode for denial is 2766. Sorry, I didn't realize so many of you guys were trying to get in.

I hate narcissistic, self-loathing ruminations. Oh, not you, Twitter. I was totally talking about somebody else.

No, I said not to fuck WITH my friends. Of course you can fuck my friends. They love that.

Oh, Activia commercial. I can't believe that bitch wouldn't even try your laxative yogurt. In ye oldey days, they would've set her on fire.

For once I'd like to meet a cat wearing an eyepatch that isn't named "Crookshanks."

It's fine - I'm just gonna knit myself into this cozy straight jacket. No big.

I have a look that says,"Stop, you really need to think about this."