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I feel like a fish out of vodka
call it holiday spirit if you want, still looks like walmart barfed on your lawn
your follow to get followback then unfollow reminds me of high school, proving only that you never grew up
How many times does he have to say 'like' in a conversation before I can legally kill the grown man on the bus in front of me?
No one invades Canada because they can't stand the cold long enough to finish the job, & only Quebec would surrender, but they're French
I train for events like this, and by train I mean drink and by events I mean drinking binges
having children keeps you young they say, failing to mention that it's not the children that does it but eating the placenta
exhausted by children, wife reminds me we did it to ourselves because we made them. I am researching how to unmake them...
Without all the shitty moments in life you wouldn't recognize the good stuff when it comes on your face
How much Wood Would a Wood Chuck Chuck if a Wood Chuck was Chuck Norris? (yes, came up w/it all by myself, but not surprised if not the 1st)
Wine before beer, have no fear. Beer before wine, you'll be fine. Beer before liquor, fall down quicker. Now add weed...
At the drug store Christmas shopping with all the other married guys, hope pads & corn removers are somewhere on that list
Ah the weekend, when I attempt to complete everything I didn't finish during the week while spending time with my family.
english language is confusing, why are my most precious parts called my junk?
I have a drinking problem, my problem is drinking doesn't get me drunk enough anymore.
Drunk at a 1st birthday party, me not the b-day boy, but give me another hr or so...
If idle hands are the devil's plaything the devil really likes to play with my balls