Matt Bomer is living proof that if a guy is too good-looking, he's probably gay

Wow a baby took a shit on a crowded train today and we were all powerless against it. No one child should have all that power

Less penne, more vodka

It's hard to differentiate between Halloween and a typical Saturday night in NYC

I want sex with all of you

Attn Girls adopting that trend of having thick but trimmed eyebrows: Yes.

Got out of bed and out of my pajamas just to shower and get back into bed and put on my pajamas again #Sunday

Thankful for dat ass

When I finish this long island iced tea I will wow the crowd with a horrible rendition of a Creed song #Maspeth

I don't know how to explain it, but I want to nut-punch every cockface I see wearing an 'OBEY' hat

This girl just took a shit so loud that I could hear it through the walls in the men's bathroom. I think I'm in love.

#lyricsthatsavedme Come my lady, come come my lady, you're my butterfly, sugah baby

Whenever I visit the Queens Center Mall, I think to myself 'Lefrak City bitch'

Drunk middle aged guys singing Billy Joel songs at karaoke #Maspeth

I'm just gonna livetweet my entire experience at this bar in Maspeth.

Took a wrong turn in New Jersey and ended up in Philly. That summarizes New Jersey in a nutshell

Ghetto ass Pad Thai for lunch. It's just noodles with peanuts added

Looking forward to passing out in @dagnaggit's basement/backyard at a house party this summer

Rain = no one wants to get out of bed this morning

But my patience is a lot like me: thin