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  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

    • 2,823
    • FAVS
    94charlottemGiftedNapperBHatty2sateayamSDatLarge_troyjohnsonJustFollownRTbeefman138
    • 2,344
    • RETWEETS
    sateayam_troyjohnsonLexactlyJustFollownRTbeefman138Sandra_MaryseRagdoll_Incgreen_eyed_doll
    stockejockdariennelakecrston8DefrostDisneyllvvzzzurbanprojectzWriteWendyBuck4it__________designersays
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

    • 1,571
    • FAVS
    funnybeachgirlgm_cageLjayHAMPiperHarrisChefSDatLargekaito_sushicm_cecil_troyjohnson
    • 1,680
    • RETWEETS
    LjayHAMalpena17_troyjohnsonbeefman138JRosenwinklezqegatefulpoulsenp136carpioritter1
    stockejockBillMc7llvvzztrialfemmetnylgn
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

    • 870
    • FAVS
    TheNewPettybcarlson11CPootaJustFollownRTbeefman138GoodMistakes56LorieGZMsLighthouseCat
    • 217
    • RETWEETS
    bradmorcombeShriftNickbrian_chanobeefman138SaraESpiveyEgyptOrientalTweetTheDudeGuyRWSmith
    ConcernedSirGuyKim_pulsiveComedianKristi
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I changed my name on Facebook to No One and spent all morning liking statuses so that it'll say No One Likes This.

    • 680
    • FAVS
    Nicolle_ChavezJustFollownRTJanieHollandbeefman138Huffles10GoodMistakes56LorieGZcarlosmolotov
    • 310
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTbeefman138LorieGZJimStacey13kvelasco13VikiMichaeliskthnxbithewayRiotGRRLBarbie
    bigmachermartianhaiku______cerebralbalsy____dariennelake5hael
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

    • 827
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTbeefman138LorieGZGoodMistakes56carlosmolotovlulutrixibellejSaraESpiveyslooberbie
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    PerezCadenaJustFollownRTbeefman138lsweetpixeylvihutchrefSaraESpiveyEgyptOriental2Chris_Black3
    martianhaiku______YearOfRatbreeenin__________
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I’ve got 99 chores but I ain't done one. ~Lay-Z

    • 554
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTbeefman138janu_nursharmianrubianoHousewifeADEgyptOrientalGoodMistakes56LorieGZ
    • 386
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138kpathxxoBasilsharmianrubianoHousewifeADEgyptOrientalGoodMistakes56itsme007365
    cityrider49
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I just read a Facebook status that was so good I had to Google to see which tweeter it was stolen from.

    • 664
    • FAVS
    JohnDuffy21InkdhawaiianYWIRSevernjacaJustFollownRTg33k_bassistbeefman138janu_nur
    • 228
    • RETWEETS
    ellyelliana97JustFollownRTbeefman138EgyptOrientalGoodMistakes56UrbanDesiGirlLjayHAMLorieGZ
    AristotlesNZ__Coastiefish
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Sarcasm is my 2nd favorite kind of asm.

    • 620
    • FAVS
    JohnDuffy212unclippedwingJustFollownRTbeefman138ginger67darrrkstarrrJohnBechardEgyptOriental
    • 237
    • RETWEETS
    2unclippedwingJustFollownRTbeefman138darrrkstarrrGinGincessa__JohnBechardEgyptOrientalRatedFaded
    jackmackenrothLABeachmomHoodieVixen
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Karma Sutra: When fate fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

    • 636
    • FAVS
    JohnDuffy21shuiwaaJustFollownRTGoodMistakes56LilbyrdyMsLighthouseCatUpDocIncrbs44
    • 174
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTUpDocIncrbs44monicasjungleSaraESpiveythe_couch_guy____likemicoENarineArmeni
    ItsNotDavey______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    You ladies realize we can see tits all over the internet, uncovered, without even having to ask… right? This is Twitter… show us your wits.

    • 551
    • FAVS
    JohnDuffy21JustFollownRTGoodMistakes56SteveDutzyTheOnlyOneNish_The_Medusa_LjayHAMLorieGZ
    • 245
    • RETWEETS
    zombieekupkakesJustFollownRTMrSkinnyGenesTheOnlyOneNishdidderbugg_The_Medusa_LjayHAMSaraESpivey
    _AliveandKickinportajon__________meaculpau27trialfemmeDallyDollbellicosejasondomesticHOneFunnyBastardFallun_Angel__NajmaSky25
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

    • 386
    • FAVS
    fieryred79ukJustFollownRTLorieGZwhatitis112GoodMistakes56SaraESpiveyCVTBabyWotDLuck
    • 402
    • RETWEETS
    fieryred79ukAuxi_RocksJustFollownRTfavstar_historyleela_o_OVassilisSimaddictedtochaosFaithThoms2
    ArroiaflukynessAndrea__B__
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Insomnia sharpens your math skills b/c you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to "fall asleep right now."

    • 564
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTwhatitis112brewcitytatgirlGoodMistakes56LorieGZLilbyrdyMsLighthouseCatAWhiskyPrincess
    • 192
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTbrewcitytatgirlajayisraniGoodMistakes56lsweetpixeylSaraESpiveytrolllyn__olievl
    1800Randy
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

    • 390
    • FAVS
    MadAxesJohnDuffy21wcstryfeForrestGrump_BoondoggleBKflwrblsmmoflwzzz476MmeLaCrooz
    • 349
    • RETWEETS
    flwrblsmMmeLaCroozLjayHAMJustFollownRTbeefman138mysweetcunnyGoodMistakes56MsLighthouseCat
    MarcusOreally___theigirlcravenheart______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I wonder if ladies who trim their bush down but leave their asshole hairy realize that all they've done is create a fuck mullet.

    • 523
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTGoodMistakes56HrBrytrolllyn__Comedians4CThisFreshMexAmiigatAverageClo________
    • 120
    • RETWEETS
    Comedians4CAmiigatSwamp_DaddyB1gLou98AverageClo________DrunkenMosesrichardhandler_Clarketacular
    jackmackenrothHairyJew4Lifeziploccondom______JordyHamrick______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Police in England are looking for a teenager who was caught having sex with cows. Apparently in England, love is a cattle field.

    • 500
    • FAVS
    beefman138whatitis112GoodMistakes56LorieGZComedians4CDanKCharnleytrolllyn__Amiigat
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138Comedians4CAmiigatjr173469__RickAaronarmyantstudiosChristal_Ljeffswarens
    FastGurlImVodkaSoaked____Maui_Speakswhatabouterin____
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

    • 514
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTGoodMistakes56LorieGZalibellleDanKCharnleyemsykayAndyKirchnerArtlu_Gamer
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    KelliFrazierthe_couch_guy____Hayate05WarriorFreckledAmiigatMunyuPeterComedians4CSasaPopos
    mortbarryshanethevein
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    When men brag about sleeping with sluts I picture a pile of shit bragging about attracting flies.

    • 467
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTSkinnyandsingleGoodMistakes56LorieGZCVTBabyslooberbiejomartin26ettenany
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    GoodMistakes56jomartin26ettenanyzacksfeveremsykaytrolllyn__MCydney17Comedians4C
    ManGotWings______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."

    • 460
    • FAVS
    funnybeachgirlopenchakraJustFollownRTwhatitis112GoodMistakes56EllusiveRLjayHAMLorieGZ
    • 102
    • RETWEETS
    PerezCadenaLjayHAMDawnOfTheCynicAmiigatladydior1Comedians4Cndvbbslifecoachfit______
    GroperClevelandfacingafricaFingDuck
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I just tried to make a donation to the Tourette Syndrome Foundation and they told me to fuck off.

    • 464
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTbeefman138GoodMistakes56LorieGZalibellleDanKCharnleyNyLow9AverageClo________
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    the_couch_guy____3nio78ManateeJacksuperb_teeHotlinkStrahota_cmaoparnell44eliserose5
    GroperClevelanddesignersaysRossRants
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.

    • 422
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTLorieGZwhatitis112GoodMistakes56cC0RTEZzComedians4CDanKCharnleyMunyuPeter
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    Comedians4CPeterClayton6CarterMicluvinnachocoalminespazrunsnyPolllyWantsa__WestOfSpaceRFerucci
    AlanFelyk
@MrFornicator

@MrFornicator

Comedian, writer, and founder of Comedians For Cancer. The average person laughs 15 times a day… that's not nearly enough. http://favstar.fm/users/MrFornicator

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