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  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

    • 1,720
    • FAVS
    TheSaleemPatWallacewhatitis112GoodMistakes56Donnie_FairburnstockejockWinghamTracyLorieGZ
    • 1,303
    • RETWEETS
    anil1127babu_nanninairobian_ka_mwanaOld_CrustyWilberDaForcejennalynn518__Gofill
    stockejockdariennelakecrston8DefrostDisneyllvvzzzurbanprojectzWriteWendyBuck4it__________designersays
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    We had social networking when we were kids too... I think it was called "outside" back then though.

    • 1,166
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzPigPenVicgloriajr72gms3005mikeHermosaMFTMolecularJigwhathavewehearSuzy__QT
    • 423
    • RETWEETS
    LorieGZOpusCosmoswhathavewehearljam185DONTJIMMYMEJULZBritLynsterkeepitrealmomAyuafaa
    stockejockBillMc7llvvzztrialfemmetnylgn
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

    • 865
    • FAVS
    GoodMistakes56LorieGZMsLighthouseCatSaraESpivey4bodingEgyptOrientalcorinnemlwswTweetTheDude
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    SaraESpiveyEgyptOrientalTweetTheDudeGuyRWSmithtrolllyn__ilove_thesunJVivoneDuffyDoesDallas
    ConcernedSirGuyKim_pulsiveComedianKristi
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I changed my name on Facebook to No One and spent all morning liking statuses so that it'll say No One Likes This.

    • 676
    • FAVS
    haffie_msGoodMistakes56LorieGZcarlosmolotovMsLighthouseCatJimStacey13monicasjunglekthnxbitheway
    • 308
    • RETWEETS
    LorieGZJimStacey13kvelasco13VikiMichaeliskthnxbithewayRiotGRRLBarbieSaraESpiveyR15S5
    bigmachermartianhaiku______cerebralbalsy____dariennelake5hael
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

    • 825
    • FAVS
    LorieGZGoodMistakes56carlosmolotovlulutrixibellejSaraESpiveyslooberbie4eva_quoteEgyptOriental
    • 155
    • RETWEETS
    lsweetpixeylvihutchrefSaraESpiveyEgyptOriental2Chris_Black3abrasivGangl_GangGingerVonPaige
    martianhaiku______YearOfRatbreeenin__________
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I’ve got 99 chores but I ain't done one. ~Lay-Z

    • 552
    • FAVS
    janu_nursharmianrubianoHousewifeADEgyptOrientalGoodMistakes56LorieGZThisFreshMexReginaldDennys
    • 385
    • RETWEETS
    kpathxxoBasilsharmianrubianoHousewifeADEgyptOrientalGoodMistakes56bootyaddict69atcree
    cityrider49
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I just read a Facebook status that was so good I had to Google to see which tweeter it was stolen from.

    • 657
    • FAVS
    janu_nurEgyptOrientalGoodMistakes56_ThatTwatChloeJalenAFC10LjayHAMLorieGZashgrash
    • 225
    • RETWEETS
    EgyptOrientalGoodMistakes56UrbanDesiGirlLjayHAMLorieGZSaraESpiveyR15S5the_couch_guy____
    AristotlesNZ__Coastiefish
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Sarcasm is my 2nd favorite kind of asm.

    • 616
    • FAVS
    ginger67darrrkstarrrJohnBechardEgyptOrientalwhatitis112GoodMistakes56SteveDutzyLjayHAM
    • 234
    • RETWEETS
    darrrkstarrrGinGincessaJohnBechardEgyptOrientalRatedFadedLilBitinNCLjayHAMMotownlvr
    jackmackenrothLABeachmomHoodieVixen
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Karma Sutra: When fate fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

    • 633
    • FAVS
    GoodMistakes56LilbyrdyMsLighthouseCatUpDocIncrbs44monicasjunglekthnxbithewayJoni58975950
    • 173
    • RETWEETS
    UpDocIncrbs44monicasjungleSaraESpiveythe_couch_guy____likemicoENarineArmeniducksandchucks
    ItsNotDavey______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    You ladies realize we can see tits all over the internet, uncovered, without even having to ask… right? This is Twitter… show us your wits.

    • 549
    • FAVS
    GoodMistakes56SteveDutzyTheOnlyOneNish_The_Medusa_LjayHAMLorieGZLilbyrdyAWhiskyPrincess
    • 243
    • RETWEETS
    MrSkinnyGenesTheOnlyOneNishdidderbugg_The_Medusa_LjayHAMSaraESpiveyMidniteMassageshaggyxangel
    _AliveandKickinportajon__________meaculpau27trialfemmeDallyDollbellicosejasondomesticHOneFunnyBastardFallun_Angel__NajmaSky25
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

    • 384
    • FAVS
    LorieGZwhatitis112GoodMistakes56SaraESpiveyCVTBabyWotDLuckcharlzeroiNyagah_
    • 399
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyleela_o_OVassilisSimaddictedtochaosFaithThoms2TheDeadfishSaysItchy_TastyArroia
    ArroiaflukynessAndrea__B__
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Insomnia sharpens your math skills b/c you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to "fall asleep right now."

    • 563
    • FAVS
    whatitis112brewcitytatgirlGoodMistakes56LorieGZLilbyrdyMsLighthouseCatAWhiskyPrincesslsweetpixeyl
    • 191
    • RETWEETS
    brewcitytatgirlajayisraniGoodMistakes56lsweetpixeylSaraESpiveytrolllyn__olievlspode411
    1800Randy
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

    • 376
    • FAVS
    whatitis112GoodMistakes56LorieGZMsLighthouseCatSaraESpiveyRandomMAORI_BOIalibellletrolllyn__
    • 346
    • RETWEETS
    mysweetcunnyGoodMistakes56MsLighthouseCatmarleyana7SnowdazedlsweetpixeylmcnetsSaraESpivey
    MarcusOreally___theigirlcravenheart______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I wonder if ladies who trim their bush down but leave their asshole hairy realize that all they've done is create a fuck mullet.

    • 522
    • FAVS
    GoodMistakes56HrBrytrolllyn__Comedians4CThisFreshMexAmiigatAverageClo________spazrunsny
    • 120
    • RETWEETS
    Comedians4CAmiigatSwamp_DaddyB1gLou98AverageClo________DrunkenMosesrichardhandler_Clarketacular
    jackmackenrothHairyJew4Lifeziploccondom______JordyHamrick______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    Police in England are looking for a teenager who was caught having sex with cows. Apparently in England, love is a cattle field.

    • 499
    • FAVS
    whatitis112GoodMistakes56LorieGZComedians4CDanKCharnleytrolllyn__AmiigatVLaMonda
    • 103
    • RETWEETS
    Comedians4CAmiigatjr173469RickAaronarmyantstudiosChristal_LjeffswarensCarterMicluvin
    FastGurlImVodkaSoaked____Maui_Speakswhatabouterin____
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

    • 513
    • FAVS
    GoodMistakes56LorieGZalibellleDanKCharnleyemsykayAndyKirchnerArtlu_GamerHysteriaBarbie
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    KelliFrazierthe_couch_guy____Hayate05WarriorFreckledAmiigatMunyuPeterComedians4CSasaPopos
    mortbarrycomedyshanethevein
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    When men brag about sleeping with sluts I picture a pile of shit bragging about attracting flies.

    • 466
    • FAVS
    SkinnyandsingleGoodMistakes56LorieGZCVTBabyslooberbiejomartin26ettenanyemsykay
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    GoodMistakes56jomartin26ettenanyzacksfeveremsykaytrolllyn__Megsss_16Comedians4C
    ManGotWings______
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."

    • 457
    • FAVS
    whatitis112GoodMistakes56EllusiveRLjayHAMLorieGZDanKCharnleyRedickjulusAmiigat
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    LjayHAMDawnOfTheCynicAmiigatladydior1Comedians4Cndvbbslifecoachfit______0nyand0
    GroperClevelandfacingafricaFingDuck
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    I just tried to make a donation to the Tourette Syndrome Foundation and they told me to fuck off.

    • 462
    • FAVS
    GoodMistakes56LorieGZalibellleDanKCharnleyNyLow9AverageClo________spazrunsnystorming01
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    the_couch_guy____3nio78ManateeJacksuperb_teeHotlinkStrahotaolvera_mparnell44eliserose5
    GroperClevelanddesignersaysRossRants
  • MrFornicator
      Jamie Capria @MrFornicator

    There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.

    • 421
    • FAVS
    LorieGZwhatitis112GoodMistakes56cC0RTEZzComedians4CDanKCharnleyMunyuPeterCarterMicluvin
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    Comedians4CPeterClayton6CarterMicluvinnachocoalminespazrunsnyPolllyWantsa__WestOfSpaceRFerucci
    AlanFelyk
@MrFornicator

@MrFornicator

Comedian, writer, and founder of Comedians For Cancer. The average person laughs 15 times a day… that's not nearly enough.