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Don't call 'em soft pretzels you don't know what they've been through.
This country went to hell when kids stopped wearin' those propeller hats. Let's put some damn propeller hats on these nasty ass kids.
Shout out to parallelograms, you lazy-ass rectangles.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
It's crazy nobody's taken pictures of babies dressed like fruit and vegetables and put it on a calendar. People would love that shit.
Just sayin' I knew Ray Parker Jr and that asshole was scared as hell of ghosts.
Shout out to Jawas, ridin' around in that big shoebox sellin' robots at yard sales and shit.
Y'all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of "spees" is stingin' and bitin' you and shit
"It's sad, 'cause Stevie Wonder really is asking if she's lovely"
If killer bees attack you make buzzin' sounds & flap your arms & point to someone else & yell "let's get him!" then attack him like a bee.
If people kidnap you fart a lot. Then when they talk about freeing you cause of the farts hit em with a hatchet. Make sure you got a hatchet
How do y'all expect me to concentrate when Neil Young's single again?
If a guy's gonna shoot you say "Look at that crazy bird". When they look for the bird you hit em with a hatchet. Make sure you got a hatchet
Why is the Scooby Doo gang still afraid of monsters when every damn time it's just some asshole in a costume?
Real talk George Michael needs to be more careful with his whispers you can't just go around whisperin' any old shit
I wear 3-D glasses to IHOP so it looks like the waitress is actually comin' to my table.
Shout out to old modems goin' beeeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep siuhoiwehpoihnbpoifnhodsihdidsgipfgpsinfgsepifw[iedho and whatnot
If a crocodile tried to eat me I'd be like "Are you for real?" & he'd leave 'cause no one likes it when you say "Are you for real?" to them.
I hate it when folks say "That's neither here nor there". That shit is somewhere!
When they tell you somethin' is intangible? Tange it. Tange that shit with every fiber of your being.
The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
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