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Why does McDonald's only have Happy Meals? They need meals for all the emotions. Grab a Nervous as Hell Meal. Angry as Shit Meal & whatnot.
This country went to hell when kids stopped wearin' those propeller hats. Let's put some damn propeller hats on these nasty ass kids.
Don't call 'em soft pretzels you don't know what they've been through.
Whoever Granny Smith was she was good as shit at apples. They don't name apples after people unless they were good as shit at apples.
Shout out to parallelograms, you lazy-ass rectangles.
Shout out to all those "special episodes" of comedies where all of a sudden serious shit happens.
If I wanted to see old men hug that long I woulda watched Cocoon.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
It's crazy nobody's taken pictures of babies dressed like fruit and vegetables and put it on a calendar. People would love that shit.
Shout out to the Olsen twins, Mary-Pat and Astro or whatever.
Babies are straight up killin' it in the shittin' themselves game
Shout out to royal babies. I'm so sick of all these peasant babies everywhere. If your baby ain't royal get that shit outta my face.
Shout out to all the white folks out there playin' Ultimate Frisbee just havin' a ball. Good for you!
If I see you drinking from a travel mug when you aren't traveling I will straight up punch you in the mouth those mugs are for travel only
Did y'all know witches make only 70% of the salary warlocks make despite doing the same evil-ass magic? That's some bullshit right there!
Just sayin' I knew Ray Parker Jr and that asshole was scared as hell of ghosts.
Shout out to Jawas, ridin' around in that big shoebox sellin' robots at yard sales and shit.
The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
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