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Don't call 'em soft pretzels you don't know what they've been through.
This country went to hell when kids stopped wearin' those propeller hats. Let's put some damn propeller hats on these nasty ass kids.
Whoever Granny Smith was she was good as shit at apples. They don't name apples after people unless they were good as shit at apples.
Shout out to parallelograms, you lazy-ass rectangles.
Shout out to all those "special episodes" of comedies where all of a sudden serious shit happens.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
It's crazy nobody's taken pictures of babies dressed like fruit and vegetables and put it on a calendar. People would love that shit.
Shout out to all the white folks out there playin' Ultimate Frisbee just havin' a ball. Good for you!
If I see you drinking from a travel mug when you aren't traveling I will straight up punch you in the mouth those mugs are for travel only
Just sayin' I knew Ray Parker Jr and that asshole was scared as hell of ghosts.
Shout out to Jawas, ridin' around in that big shoebox sellin' robots at yard sales and shit.
Y'all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of "spees" is stingin' and bitin' you and shit
Hell no I ain't lookin' at the damn moon I got shit to do!
I think about that Flintstones bird that played records with its beak at least 17 times a day.
"It's sad, 'cause Stevie Wonder really is asking if she's lovely"
Just sayin', when the sh** goes down between turtles and doves, turtle doves are gonna have to pick a damn side
If killer bees attack you make buzzin' sounds & flap your arms & point to someone else & yell "let's get him!" then attack him like a bee.
The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
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