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This country went to hell when kids stopped wearin' those propeller hats. Let's put some damn propeller hats on these nasty ass kids.
Don't call 'em soft pretzels you don't know what they've been through.
A good prank would be putting a fake spider in your friend's shower then right before he sees it you just punch him in the face
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody's mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Whoever Granny Smith was she was good as shit at apples. They don't name apples after people unless they were good as shit at apples.
Shout out to all those "special episodes" of comedies where all of a sudden serious shit happens.
Shout out to parallelograms, you lazy-ass rectangles.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Sad to announce I'm stepping down as Treasurer of the Aryan Brotherhood's Las Vegas chapter.
If I wanted to see old men hug that long I woulda watched Cocoon.
I'll straight up hand someone a textbook and text someone a handbook I really don't give a shit anymore
I call on Walmart to continue selling the Confederate flag in 2-ply, extra-soft rolls.
It's fine if you wanna shoot a buncha folks as long as you start with yourself. That's my only rule about it.
You just know there was an eighth dwarf who couldn't be defined by one word so they cut his complicated ass outta the movie.
Shout out to the Olsen twins, Mary-Pat and Astro or whatever.
It's crazy nobody's taken pictures of babies dressed like fruit and vegetables and put it on a calendar. People would love that shit.
The Official George Wallace Twitter. Trying to serve it up with hot sauce for you. God bless.
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