OK, fine. I'll take you to Funkytown. Just shut up already.

Alcohol is a liquid microphone.

Hang in there, armless people.

My mother had a C-section, meaning my genitals have never made physical contact with hers. Thanks, Ma.

I'm sure douchebags can devise a way to wear a Mexican sombrero sideways.

Tony Romo just threw his helmet in frustration, but that got intercepted as well.

Man v. Alcohol is a show waiting to be made.

I think lemons are taken for granted with all of the squeezing and nearly none of the eating. Same goes for testicles.

Subconsciously, a girl maybe a slut if she proclaims "This corn dog is going straight to my ass!"

"Why is everyone a photographer all of a sudden?" - guy who just woke up from a five-year coma

Holding my breath as I walk by a group of Indians is perhaps the most racist thing I do. Also possibly the sanest.

Hey thin people who bitch about not being able to gain weight, go microwave some Ben & Jerry's and chug it down. Fucking whiners.

When women say they love foreign accents, they never mean Indian or Chinese.

The trick to parallel parking is to not be a woman.

The sound of the garage door is the shot clock buzzer of a masturbation session.

If you love something let it go to the bathroom from time to time.

Tweeting while driving is a piece of ca

There must be hundreds of hours of store security footage of me heading straight to the candy aisle.

Don't you hate it when you bake a chocolate cake and the top comes out all cracked and Seal's face-ish?

Be the man you'd turn gay for.