Fuck you, Victoria, it’s not a Secret that I’m wearing you. Positive my coworkers have noticed me digging you out of my ass every 5 seconds

If you honk for me to go as soon as the light's green, I swear I will sit here and fucking tweet about it before I go

Facebook: My hubby and I are having a blast working in the garden together!

Twitter: I'm making this piece of shit loser dig his own grave!

Show me a pretty girl that gives good blow jobs and I'll show you a pretty girl that was ugly in high school.

If you ever hear me say, "Everybody be cool," then there's a pretty good chance that we're all about to go to jail and it'll be my fault...

Facebook:Hubby and I had best weekend EVER
Twitter:Fuckin loser that lives in my house spent the whole weekend watching internet porn

Guys: If you get a boner at a funeral is it called "mourning wood"?

If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I'd throw that out there, people who invent shit.

WANTED: man who likes long walks on the beach and cuddling. If this is you DM me so I can tell you to quit being such a pussy

Meeting new people is soo awkward. Especially when they go for a handshake and you lean in to cup their genitals...

Laura has 7 Vicodin,
Eats 4 now,
Sells 2,
Buys 3 Percocets

What has Laura got?

A drug problem.

Laura's a fucking junkie, assholes..

Nothing says "I fucking hate you" like a homemade card that says "I fucking hate you."

Heard a ticking noise in my car so spent last 3mins looking for a car bomb before I realized it was my turn signal...too many mafia movies..

Hey guys, let's start a Ninja Club. First rule of Ninja Club is....wait, where the fuck did everybody go?

Some might call it "kidnapping," I prefer to think of it as "the day you got a little scared when you realized we'd be together forever"

Does anyone else feel really betrayed by"The Jetson's"? Feel like they showed us the promised land and then never delivered...Screw u Elroy

Plan for the day: 1.Shave legs 2. Put on Skirt 3. Make World my Bitch....nothing else

You say "Restraining Order," I say "That bullshit piece of paper can't stop us from being together forever! I LOVE YOU, please love me back"

Told my pregnant secretary to meet me in the lobby in 5mins. Not going. For Halloween I'm being the period she waited for that never came.

I have no problem with jumping up and down and screaming "IN YOUR FACE" while pointing after I beat my 5 year old at a game of Wii baseball