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My Jewish anaconda
if you don't got money
He died doing what he loved: planking
Well, we think he was dead. I poked him a few times with a stick before we had him cremated.
I'll tell you why soccer isn't popular: tie games.
If I'm gonna pay 12 bucks for Budweiser in a cup, I want to know who the winner is.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. You know I've had my share."
-Charles "Led Dick" Zeppelin
Do I like to gamble?
You mean like writing a tweet with the word nigger in it?
No, that's not my style.
*hits "send all" from draft folder*
Large coffee, please
Ok, one venti coffee
No, a large
That is a large
Shouldn't large be a word like "grande"?
No, that's a medium
I walked in on my wife while I was masturbating
Thoughts during sex:
"Hurry up and cum" -men
"I wish he was a Kennedy" -women
She's asked if I'd break her off a piece, so I broke her off a piece of my Kit-Kat bar
This tweet has been modified from its original version. It has been edited for the internet and formatted to fit th
Do I play video games?
No, I'm a bald Jew; I don't need to make getting laid any harder than it already is.
Me: LET'S JUMP IN THE POOL
Me: It's a figure of speech, not a literal statement?
6: Are you high?
Me: Higher than a kite
6: A kite?
I refer to my wife as "my first wife" so she knows how replaceable she is.
If I spent as much time worrying about cooking the burgers all the way thru, as I do about typos in my tweets, I'd still be employed