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[Looking up at the Sistine Chapel ceiling]
Me: [whispers] I can't believe a turtle painted this...
Old Lady: [leans in] On his back, too!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
THIS. IS. SPARTA.
"...and this is the pair I made for DeNiro. And these for Pacino."
"Who'd you make these for?" *points*
"These boots were made for Walken"
bro, do you even google your idea before you tweet to make sure no one else in the history of the internet has had the same stupid idea?
Al Gore created the internet to keep the truly gifted from ruling the world
Dude, where's my car...eer?
My vacation was going well until my kids made friends with two black kids and now I have to spend the rest of it keeping them out of a gang
I carry a knife, but it's just in case I can't get your bra undone.
Fact: More than half the time a woman spends "getting ready" is trying to force out a huge shit so she can fit into a pair of pants
I'm not wearing any panties...
Your twittercrush can't even find the Retweet button. How'd you expect him to find your clitoris?
It's so quiet in here, you can hear a baby drop
A Kickstarter, but for my heart
What idiot named it Australia and not Koalafornia?
[in the Vatican]
Security: This is a place of worship, son. Please don't spit.
Me: Orrysay Iway idn'tday eesay ethay ignsay, Ocifferway.
Show me the baby cow struggling in his tiny cage so I know that the struggle is veal
When I said it looks like you need a nap, I meant a dirt nap
I've never done a mass unfollow, but one time I fell asleep during my cousin's Bar Mitzvah
I can't tell if I'm dying or my hypochondria is acting up again