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*pops a bitchin' wheelie outside your bedroom window*
dayum gurrrl, are you a microwave in a crackhouse? cuz i want to put a baby inside you
You down with OCD?
[sneezes three times]
Yeah, you know me!
[unfollows everyone and follows back in alphabetical order]
[batman voice] hi yeah this is batman i ate there last night Yeah the table by the window i think i left my cape on the back of the chair
[grabs grocery store intercom] CLEANUP IN FROZEN FOOD AISLE-- I JUST DID THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE. JANET WHAT AISLE ARE TOWELS IN? I FEEL SO
Tweets don't fail me now...
Parking Attendant: Sir, you can't park that donkey here.
Me: [backs that ass up]
Your Honor, I object; there's not a single Jew on this jury...
[throws a penny on the ground]
I rest my case, your Honor.
did you hear about the dyslexic korean that had god for lunch?
whenever i go to prison, the first thing i do is make someone my little spoon
I only read The Journal of Quantum Mechanics for the particles
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I'm sure the israelis would be happy to SELL back the land to the arabs
hi mom no i'm not on twitter how's dad no i haven't been twitting do you still have diarrhea the line's cutting out i don't even use the in