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[Han and Leia fucking]
Han: Who's your daddy?
Leia: Darth Vader
Han: HOLY SHIT! REALLY?
911 WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
my wife put raisins in the soup
The only use I am to my kids now is for my knowledge of candy and comics
I'm not saying your kid is slow, but he couldn't even keep up with me trick or treating
I'm actually very charismatic if you're used to accountants and furniture.
I take 2 squirts in the morning I take 2 squirts at night I take 2 squirts before I take 2 squirts and then I take 2 more
Gentle reminder to not quit your day job
A colostomy bag, but for the shit that comes out of your mouth
FOX BREAKING NEWS: Apple CEO, Tim Cook, publicly apologizes for being gay
I know my wife isn't trying to poison me because even the poison would give her food some flavor
Say what you will about the Puerto Ricans, but they did in---actually, they haven't really done anything, have they?
Bitch, was that a subtweet?
Dayum gurrrl, are you being influenced by me? Cuz I want to rub off on you.
I'm glad they caught that cop killer so now the police can go back to killing blacks
The Sixth Cents: I smell homeless people
*shows up to your Halloween party in black face*
I'm the Lizzie Borden of burying the hatchet
has follow Friday officially started cuz I can't wait
Say what you will about the gingers, but they did invent dirty sex