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Today in History: 469 BC, Greek philosopher, Fellatiolus invents the blow job by sticking his penis in his wife's mouth to shut her up
I just dumped a plate of nachos on a pizza and folded it up and ate like a taco
Your move Taco Bell
"1 with the stump. 1 in the rump."
-Oscar Pistorius amputee porn following his exile from sports
My porn star name in Great Britain is Sir Loin
Duty-free shopping is just like regular shopping except you don't shit your pants
What idiot called it an "anal creampie" and not a "buttload"?
I put the "knife" in "back"
The 4 stages of a relationship:
1. I like you
2. I love you
3. I hate you
6: I want to be your pussy.
6: Meow *crawls around on floor*
Me: Oh! Pussy-Cat! Please say "pussycat" next time.
Please pray for baby Dakota, who was born to asshole parents that apparently expect her to strip her way thru college
The best thing about marriage is looking forward to death
*BLOCKED is the new black
On a scale of 1 to Robin Williams, how badly do you need to shave your pussy?
If you hold your phone up to your ear when you're scrolling my tweets you can hear the
*Fuck it. Send*
I'm guano go bat shit crazy if one more bird shits on my car!
I wasn't being facetious; I'm just an asshole
"He died doing what he loved...your mom."
-Tombstone on thousands of graves
bleed the lizard
let the dogs out
see a man bout a horse
burn a mule
hang a rat
*NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS TWEET