I once saw a dick pic with a picture of another dick pic in the background. it was like that movie Inception but you know, with dicks.

Dear people with loads of followers who don't follow me back: Just who the fuck do you think you are?? Respectfully, me xoxo

an ex (whom ive been over for years) posted pictures of him proposing to his gf on facebook. now my keyboard is covered with vomit.

"somebody point me to the best ass eater"

now you're just somebody that I used to blow

instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again

In my husband's drawer, I've just found a bag containing lube and swimming goggles. Whatever he's got planned, count me IN.

Those anti piracy adds think they know me- "you wouldnt steal a car, you wouldnt steal a movie" BITCH, its a recession: yes I fucking would.

Fuck you. You say 'Daddy issues' like it's a bad thing. So what I have Daddy issues? Horny, horny Daddy issues.

couples who look/dress the same can just fuck right off

"I love your crocs"- nobody

dress every day like you're gonna get murdered in those clothes

god, men are SO nice when you're wearing next to nothing

you know what's gross? girls wearing lipstick and lipgloss. the only thing on my lips is chapsick & traces of a recent blow job.

Needed: a twitter app for android that DOESN'T suck colossal cock

sext: You take off your shirt. I take off my pants. I take off another pair of pants. I take off an endlessly repeating series of pants.

bite me, spank me, braid my pancakes

i like nicki minaj because she's like a robot rapper from space with severe ADD

my 2 yr old is walking around the house calling 3 bottles of green iced tea her 'kids'- does this mean I'm no longer needed as a parent?

desperately seeking suicide