Please retweet this if you know someone who is alive today because you are too tired to dig a hole in the woods and bury them.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs, they're not a door.

1 sperm has 37MB of DNA data in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in about 3 seconds.3G isn't fast!

I don’t have a drinking problem people without arms have a drinking problem.

Let me tell you something about crazy people... The sex is AMAZING.

Dear virgin olive oil, Slut. Sincerely, Extra virgin olive oil.

I dig, you dig. We dig, he dig. She dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem but it's very deep

Thought for the day: If one drop of sperm has more life in it than a drop of blood, why didnt dracula suck dick?

Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

Guy: Whats up? Girl: I have a boyfriend already. Guy: I am on diet. Girl: And? Guy: Well I was just naming things we could both cheat on.

Never forget you're somebody's reason to masturbate.

Please don't ask Santa for the sexiest person as a gift this year. I'm so tired of waking up in a fucking box...

I love you with all my boobs. I'd say heart, but my boobs are bigger.

And for my next trick, I'll pretend to give a fuck.

What do you call a hooker's kids? Brothel sprouts.

Oh god! I've locked my coathanger in my car. Thank fuck I have a key!

Dear mom, I know I'm a bitch. You taught me well.

You broke me and yet you seem shocked that I am damaged.

I wonder how long it will take life to realise I am in a good mood, and then attempt to fuck it up?

My son's new rule;if my name is on it, it's mine. I've hidden all forms of writing instruments.