My ex's dick was so small I used to declare thumb war on it.

After 15 years of yoga, I've finally given up. There is no fucking way to eat yourself out. None.

Twitter seems like one big clusterfuck of passive-aggressive nutjobs. It's good to be home.

If a woman says "I love you" first, you can pretty much guarantee she's poked holes in the condoms.

When a guy tells me I'm crazy, my immediate reaction is to delete all the pictures of him I photoshopped myself into.

My life is one big typo. Alcohol is my white-out.

Apparently my safe word is "Hi".

I think my Twitter crush has another girlfriend. It's fine. Not like I'm going to create 48 profiles and report her as spam or anything.

Love is just having compatible insecurities.

I consider safe sex not falling into the dumpster behind the bar.

If I was capable of having a healthy relationship, I sure as shit wouldn't be on Twitter.

Some women are such cry babies. When a man pulls my hair, pushes me against a wall and bites, I usually rub his feet and bake him brownies.

I pretend my period is late so my friends think someone wanted to at least fuck me.

Oh fuck me. My best friend wants to chat. She's in AA. Have you ever talked to a person in AA? It's like talking to a republican.

I would fuck a married man. There, I said it. Block me, call me a whore, DM me your phone number, whatever.

For anyone who's been keeping tabs, I found out today that I'm not going to die. I can't even find a joke in there I'm so fucking relieved.

If you're over 30 and wearing Axe body spray, I can only assume you watch more Barely Legal videos than I'm comfortable with.

Vicodin: because why drag the vacuum cleaner out when you can sit on the floor for an hour and pick shit off the carpet.

When a man tells me I have a great sense of humor, I can't help but think the skirt I wore wasn't short enough.

My ex said my pussy was sweet as honey. He also changed the locks when I told him I was pregnant so his integrity is a bit of a gray area.