Awe, I'm your "one who got away" that's so cute! You're my "one who wasn't man enough to hold me down"

I like to bury things. By things I mean my emotions and by bury I mean drink excessively

I'm not saying I'm obsessed with you or anything, I'm just saying you slept beautifully last night.

Random dude: Did your neck tattoo hurt? Me: They repeatedly jabbed a needle in my fuckin neck, so no

I knew we'd be together forever when he said "Bitch if I can't have you no one can"

Every now and then you just gotta cry in your vodka, while eating chocolate, and talking to Wanda from the psychic network

Calm down people getting douchy over their followers count, we're all still just awkward nerds on a phone.

If I were my uncle, I'd squeeze my ass too.

Tell me more about the person you're pretending to be.

Lets get drunk and scream lyrics at each other

You make one little joke about snorting coke at a parent teacher conference and suddenly a case workers at your door.

Girl seeking other girl to hang out and do normal girl stuff. Must be into fisting and scrapbooking.

If I wanted a boyfriend I'd brush my hair more.

Love is sleeping in a toddler bed, because monsters.

I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying everyone else does.

Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she ain't got no job, always has money, and her breath smells like penis.