Dear women who love to tear down other women...

You are the reason we don't rule the world already.

#Facebook is for friends that are now strangers. #Twitter is for strangers that should be your friends.

My regular masseuse is booked up tomorrow. Do the Asian massage parlor girls know how to massage anything but cock?

Dear people on 4square:

No one gives a fuck where you are.

-Everyone

Does anyone know Ashton Kutcher's real age?

I know he's been dressing like a 19 year old douchebag for at least 20 years!

Dear DM Stalker:

Read my bio. I'm from Texas. I have two guns next to my bed that are cocked and loaded.

Stop by anytime.

666 followers...nobody fucking move!!!!

Does the Shake Weight for Men ejaculate when your workout is done?

Thanks to all of the brave soldiers who died so that I can stay fucked up for 3 days straight.

You'd sound a lot better if I was fucking your face...

A friend* bought a vibrator. Brought it home, tried & tried, couldn't get it in.

I guess her eyes were bigger than her pussy.







* me 

As long as I live, I will never understand what drives women to tear down other women...

Twitter....

Making sluts feel like really friendly girls since 2006.

Never underestimate how little it can take to break someone's heart.

Dear HBO:

Please stop showing that no talent asswipe Lady Gaga dude 24/7.

Thanks,

Everyone

I would rather lick a homeless person's feet than watch a Julia Roberts movie.

Dancing around in a bath towel belting out Journey songs is very underrated! 

My Roommate's super power is never filling the ice trays...

Watching this new show "Gigolos" on Showtime. They're trying to convince me that women pay for dick. Me: not convinced.

Masturbating to "Love Hurts."

Is that S or M?