So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't know why. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

I use to be fucking stupid.....but then we broke up

the only advantage u have over me is that u can kiss my ass and i can't

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

Reminder! Valentine's Day is only a couple weeks away, it's not too late to break up

They laughed at my crayon drawings...I laughed at their chalk outlines!

Confucius Say The difference between a dog and a fox is about five drinks.

Apparently getting naked crawling onto Santa's lap and whispering."I have been a bad bad girl," is NOT appropriate behavior for the Mall

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

god, a vagina is an amazing trump card

sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

my bank statement. liquor store,pizza,liquor store pizza,bar bar liquor store pizza , 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

Tolerance is for people that care

the residue of last nights "smokey eyes" is this mornings "hooker murdered in a back alley eyes"

Every time I enter a room, I check to see if my family is getting ready to spring an intervention on me. This is normal, right?

what do women do after sex? 2% eat 3% smoke 4% take a shower 5% go to sleep & 86% finish the job themselves

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

U may not be Mr Right , but i'll fuck u till he comes along