There's a thin line between "I should Tweet that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that."

Live today like it is your last day, but pay your bills and use a condom, just in case it isn't.

You never know how fast someone can run until you set them on fire.

He asked me to make him feel special, so I gave him a helmet and some crayons.

A catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a beer.

I know you're naked under your clothes. Pervert.

Disclaimer: I am in no way responsible for bite marks, bruising, bleeding or scratch marks due to how good you are in bed.

Please retweet this if you know someone who is alive today because you are too tired to dig a hole in the woods and bury them.

I was asked to run a marathon. I said no. They said: Please-its for handicapped & blind children. I thought: Fuck it, I could win this...

Why steal a Tweet? If it's good, made you laugh or think, press RT, pop it a gold star and don't be a cunt.

If I ever get my twitter crush to marry me, I'm so telling everyone we met in the Internet's Psych Ward.

Learn to control your temper. Either that, or learn to chop people up real small.

Have you ever met someone and just known that the moment you did was the beginning of the rest of your life?

If it doesnt seem like a good idea, I'm SO in.

If you don't understand my words, you will never understand my silence.

We dream about each other too much to not be having awesome sex.

Him: Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa? Her: What?Where? *Goes to look.* Her: Will you STOP calling our children torn condoms!!!!

You can't reach for anything new, if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.

The respect I have for you, is overwhelming. Your life is a success, despite the demons you fight. I'm in awe of your strength.

I call bullshit on chicks who want oral sex but won't give head.