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Remember dot-orgs: Your mission statement is the penis of your website, so always make it lengthy and hard to grasp.
I have the best husband in the world. Said every wife on Facebook in the world. Suspicious!
Puppy loaf is sleeping on my chest. Had to shift him off my shoulder after he farted on my ear.
“Is that a lawn mower or Boards of Canada?”
Hey Yahoo! I can tell you know a good deal when you see one, so how would you like to buy my 2005 Volvo for $100,000?
Where my grammar nazis at?
"Also, I'm handier than you give me credit for."
"What do you mean? Like, handjobs?"
What those “I think I ate the bones!” people actually seem to be saying is “Oh fuck, I think I ate KFC!”.
I always figure when you go away, the plants are on their own. Suck it up or die.
Cut your beauty routine in half with this one weird tip: give up
Hey, I’m an idea guy.
"Are tacos OK for dinner? Could you eat tacos again?"
"Wow, Mama. Two stupid questions in a row."
Freaking adore this kid.
My wife also bravely had a double mastectomy and sleeps with someone as good looking as Brad Pitt (it’s the dog). http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/14/opinion/my-medical-choice.html?smid=tw-share&_r=0 …
Handsome, funny, single. Pick two. Not that one.
Not quite the geek she hoped to become, but there's time still.