'We'll send suspects overseas but we promise they won't be tortured' is the new 'If you let me stick it in, I promise not to come'.

Tried to explain to the barista that if I bought two identical coffees my total can't be an odd number. All she heard was NERD NERD LOSER.

My Mum got me a USB lightsaber!


Oh. Wait. In blue.


WHY DOES SHE HATE ME?

Flossing is less of a chore if you imagine your teeth are naked women and you're towelling them off.

Guh. British chicks are ugly.

My new asshole would like to let you know that the ninth month of pregnancy is a bad time to mis-type 'wife' as 'wide'.

Scientists have discovered that velociraptors could climb trees. The important question of who they were K-I-S-S-I-N-G remains unanswered.

Some days, the only response to the news is to grit your teeth, blink away the tears, and draw elephant ears around your dick.

Pre-natal yoga has taught me to help her stretch everywhere except where it counts. And that pregnant women don't appreciate fisting jokes.

Casual racism is evidence of a lazy mind. Probably Mexican.

Screw it. Picking baby names is too damn hard and who's going to fuck with a kid called The Nameless One anyway?

Gentrification has done a lot to solve Brooklyn's gang problems, but Lord help you if you walk into Field Notes territory with a Moleskine.

45 minutes delay, but the plane's finally ready for takeoff. Aaaand there's the smirk that tells you which stewardess banged the pilot.

Just because I'm working from home doesn't mean I can't dress like a professional. Now hand me your fishnets and shut up already.

I'm not a writer. I just post stupid shit on Twitter. So at best I'm a Triter.

I for one am glad my children will never have to learn about homosexuals in school. Now SHHH!, Ellen's starting.

I just broke a set of nail clippers on my big toe. This is how cool Superman feels EVERY DAY.

How do you tell a man
that his baby has
porn star balls?

No one remembers all the times Archimedes peed in the bath and ran through the streets yelling 'UREA!'

Say what you will about about nukes, but Mutually Assured Destruction works. The look in my dentist's eye as I grabbed his balls proves it.

In sports news, my ass DOMINATED the couch, but received low scores for artistic impression in laundry folding. It's all riding on ironing.