When I go through a buffet I always carry my butterknife in my mouth like a pirate cause I want everyone to know that I'm not fucking around

Guys, women aren't that complicated.


Fuck them good, they'll do anything for you.


Fuck them over, you're screwed.

Just once I want my boss to assume I'm tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.

Tweet. Favstar. No stars. Refresh. No stars. Kill a kitten. Refresh. No stars. Kill a kitten. Refresh...

I can do this all day, people.

I always carry an Uno Skip card in case you start telling me a boring story about your family, or whatever.

You're just a figment of my masturbation.

Blood is thicker than water, but not nacho cheese.


That's why my brother's "emergency" will have to wait until I finish these chips.

Because I like you all so much, you are all invited to my blanket fort anytime.


The password is tacos.

My girlfriend thinks I'm delusional, but she's the one who's imaginary, so what does she know?

I always bring cake to a knife fight.

My "walk of shame" is done directly after I try walking down the street, pretending like I had sex last night, but nobody buys it.

My phone just autocorrected, "Fuck you, I'm not helping you move. It's February and I don't really like you, asshole!" to "sure, buy beer."

The irony is that there is a Carolina on top of another Carolina.

Sinners.

Texting and driving is too distracting. I really need to focus on these beers while they're cold.

The only text I received today was my phone bill payment confirmation.


I'm gonna text them back and try to get some sexting going on.

I am not very good at stealing hearts, but I more than make up for it in my ability to steal office supplies.

It may not always be the one we hope for, but trust me when I say everyone has someone out there who is thinking about them now and smiling.

Two books in and I'm legitimately concerned over the lack of math and language arts courses at Hogwarts.

Leaving rakes in my yard and making milkshakes.


Hope this works.

I'm not a doctor but I really don't think it's healthy to be giving those african kids a cup of coffee everyday.