Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I still haven't turned my clocks back, in case you're into bad boys.
I shaved my legs past my knees for like, the first time since high school.
I always have a soft spot for gingers. And that soft spot is my vagina.
It's amazing how often I want to take naked pictures after losing some weight. I get it now sluts.
Every morning is pretty much the worst morning ever.
Mom hold on! Strangers on the internet are telling me I'm pretty :')
You ever have a 10 minute conversation with someone and end up masturbating to them for 3 days?
I got approved for a credit card which makes me wonder who's running that company because that was a horrible mistake.
When I'm famous, everyone will say "I used to follow him on twitter!" or "I worked with that guy!" or "I'm not surprised he took hostages".
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, give a man a hug, that was nice of you.
We're gonna take a quick timeout while AirBud poops on the court.
If you rob a bank, poop on the floor so maybe they think a horse did it. I don't know, I'm just brainstorming.
SO WHAT if I decorated the beehive in my tree like a piñata? Why'd your kid hit a piñata that didn't belong to him? Who's the real monster?
If I were a guy, I'd lock eyes with a hot girl at a bar, drop a roofie in my drink, & say, "Your move."
An office announces it's going paperless. Scissors shrieks & trembles. Rock chuckles & mouths "You're fucked."
Don't you dare classify your event as "black tie" if you won't let me open a bottle of champagne with a sabre.
Good news, human beings! #Community has been renewed for a fifth season http://www.tvguide.com/News/Community-Renewed-NBC-1065485.aspx … #sixseasonsandamovie
Does not exist
In this dojo
*burns dojo to the ground*
Me: WHAT IS LOVE
Me: WHAT IS LOVE
Dog: *sighs* baby don't hurt me.. don't hurt me.. no more
Me: Good boy!! *eats more shrooms*
I never sell myself short. If anything, I describe myself as longer than I am.