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I will always pick up my Legos before we fuck on the floor, because chivalry.
I always bring cake to a knife fight.
It is way harder to find a Death Star tree topper than it should be.
Nothing quite like having a despairingly bad day today to make tomorrow seem like a hopeful dream.
It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.
Guys, women aren't that complicated.
Fuck them good, they'll do anything for you.
Fuck them over, you're screwed.
A woman just asked me where she can find divorce court. I'm gonna go ahead and count that as being hit on.
Texting and driving is too distracting. I really need to focus on these beers while they're cold.
Thank God 'booze' rhymes with 'lady juice,' otherwise I'd look pretty foolish at this Christian poetry slam tonight.
Just once I want my boss to assume I'm tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
You're just a figment of my masturbation.
When I die, I hope my truest friends pose me in a super-awesome, ninja kick. You only ever get one chalk outline.
Movies are such bullshit. I took a ragtag group of underprivileged youth, taught them teamwork & how to hunt man for sport & now I'm in jail
When I go through a buffet I always carry my butterknife in my mouth like a pirate cause I want everyone to know that I'm not fucking around
'Just the tip' is a little game I like to play when someone asks me how much of the tab I want to pay for.
You can't convince me that sloths don't move at regular speed, and everything else doesn't move superfast.
My girlfriend thinks I'm delusional, but she's the one who's imaginary, so what does she know?
Wow, really? That last joke killed at my Enablers Anonymous meeting.
They all swear I should be a comedian. And a model.
Do they make candy hearts in black?
Asking for a horrible, heartless bitc... a friend.
I never sell myself short. If anything, I describe myself as longer than I am.