The internet, where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

Red Bull gives you wings, but Whiskey gives you Balls.

There's a big difference between a man and a woman saying "I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie last night."

You make me want to be a better drinker.

Have you ever notice that a women's "I be ready in 5 min." Is the same as a mans "I'll be home in 5 min.

Imagine meeting someone who understands even the dustiest corners of your mixed up soul.

Telling a woman to calm down when she's drunk works about as well as Baptizing a cat.

Pain makes you stronger, Tears make you Braver, Heartache makes you Wiser. Vodka makes you not remember any of that shit.

Wife just caught me blow drying my cock and asked what I was doing. Apparently."heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

Disappointment: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.

Strange new trend at work, people putting names on food in the company frigerator. I just ate a tuna sandwich named kevin.

Stalking is such a strong word, I prefer "intense research of an individual."

Ladies, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup correctly and looking like you got gangbanged by crayola.

Why am I on twitter again? Oh ya, because I can't say "fuck off bitches" on Facebook.

One day you will just be a memory. Do your best to be a good one.

I dream of a world were chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop words when speech becomes superfluous.

Funny how things change over time. I use to hate spankings.

Here's a song I wrote. It's called, Eat my ass and shut the fuck up.