#lifeisgood when your daughter gives you a hug...for no reason whatsoever.

I want to touch you there...no, not there, there...no, damnit!! Not there, there...oh, never mind.

Hey, top 40 radio! How about you quit sucking Lady Gaga's dick and play something else. Four times in one hour, seriously!!!

When all else fails.....well....you're pretty much fucked.

Me: I wish donuts were a woman 'cuz I'd marry one. Son: I'd become a mormon and marry seven. That's my boy.

A woman is to be admired for her mind..............and her ass.

Advice 2 all u 18 y/o. Now that you are free to get all the tattoos and piercings you want, don't. Because when you're 18 you're an idiot.

Hate unites us all. You may speak of love, compassion and understanding, but it's hate that's the common emotion. -my attempt at motivation.

Let's play a game........it's called shut the fuck up or I rip your tongue out.

Best hidden insult: you look good....for your age.

You know that Bruno Mars guy and his lazy song? I'd like to beat the shit out of him with a fist full of old school Metallica.

I don't believe that Justin Bieber is the father.....the mother yes, but not the father.

I'm thinking it's a "three beer minimum" night tonight.

Sometimes I think to myself that I spend too much time on twitter, and then I laugh and laugh and tweet some more.

Warning: my tweets may lead 2 drowsiness, headaches, loose stools and multiple orgasms. If orgasms persist longer than 4 hours, ur welcome.

Pushing, pulling, aching, sweating, thirst...mowing the lawn is hard work...

Hey, fuckers! This shit don't retweet itself!!..........Ahem, sorry about that.

How tired am I? Fell asleep at a stop sign. Best 2 minute nap ever!

FUCK is just a beautiful word.

I would tweet something motivational to get you all in a better state of mind, but I enjoy reading all the gloom and misery too much.