8yo: ...
6yo: ...
8yo: ...
6yo: ...
8yo: ...
6yo: ...
8yo: ....Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

It's really weird how hiking with a 5yo is a lot like carrying a whining 5yo through the woods.

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

What I say: Hurry up! We're late.

What my kids hear: Please take this opportunity to wonder around the house aimlessly.

If you feel that gay marriage in anyway threatens your traditional marriage then you have a horrible marriage.

To everyone wearing camouflage,

We can still see you.

Us

Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

One of my biggest fears as a parent is that my kids don't remember anything about their childhood except my screaming.

If you have ever answered any question w/ "I don't really watch TV" Everyone you've ever met hates you and hopes you die.

Husbands,

If you have to lock your phones and erase your intenet history then you are not getting the point of marriage.

Me

What I say: Time for bed.

What my kids hear: Bedtime is bullshit. Let’s eat some chocolate and tear this son of a bitch house apart.

Sometimes you just have to let your wife drink the whole box of wine because parenting can be a cold, unrelenting, thankless bitch.

I think the toughest thing about owning a Porsche must be trying to wedge that into the conversation in the first ten seconds.

At times I worry how I’ll pay for my kids’ college education.Then I discover my 8yo is wearing his underwear backwards and I rest easy.

"I only like kids when they are paralyzed." ~ Inventor of the trampoline.

Hey people without kids. What do you do with all your money? That must be a super annoying problem.

To my 5yo,

You have two choices buddy. You can take a nap or I can give you 2 Benadryl and pretend it's candy.

Choose wisely.

Love
Dad

Somebody asked me today what was the hardest part about going on vacation with kids. I would have to say it's the kids.