Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
8yo: ....Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
It's really weird how hiking with a 5yo is a lot like carrying a whining 5yo through the woods.
What I say: Time for bed.
What my kids hear: Bedtime is bullshit. Let’s eat some chocolate and tear this son of a bitch house apart.
What I say: Hurry up! We're late.
What my kids hear: Please take this opportunity to wonder around the house aimlessly.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If you feel that gay marriage in anyway threatens your traditional marriage then you have a horrible marriage.
Muffins - for people who don't have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I think the toughest thing about owning a Porsche must be trying to wedge that into the conversation in the first ten seconds.
One of my biggest fears as a parent is that my kids don't remember anything about their childhood except my screaming.
To everyone wearing camouflage,
We can still see you.
I don't use turn signals. Nobody needs to know my business.
If you have ever answered any question w/ "I don't really watch TV" Everyone you've ever met hates you and hopes you die.
Sometimes you just have to let your wife drink the whole box of wine because parenting can be a cold, unrelenting, thankless bitch.
If you have to lock your phones and erase your intenet history then you are not getting the point of marriage.
"I only like kids when they are paralyzed." ~ Inventor of the trampoline.
Hey people without kids. What do you do with all your money? That must be a super annoying problem.
At times I worry how I’ll pay for my kids’ college education.Then I discover my 8yo is wearing his underwear backwards and I rest easy.
How old does someone have to be before you can officially call them an asshole? Please say six.
If you kids don't settle down I will turn this van around and go home. (No I won't)