When people say "everything happens for a reason," they mean "I have no idea why this fucking horrible thing has happened to me."

Twitter: where everyone's a narcissist and no one can spell it.

What men call "mind reading," we call "listening."

It's pretty sad when you feel competitive with other people who also aren't making any money.

It's not self-deprecating if you really are an idiot.

Staying in is the new going out

I still don't understand FourSquare. "Hi, here's where I am so you can go rob my house now."

Some of you try to get deep on here. This is the kiddie pool. Don't crack your skull.

If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.

Twitter shows us that the world is connected via humor. Also chronic masturbation, but mostly humor.

Whoever came up with "there's no free lunch" wasn't a hot blonde with big boobs.

Thank god Joe Biden is Caucasian so we can trash him as much as we want.

God gave men superior physical strength and better math skills. Then he gave women boobs, sat back, and laughed.

Marriage should just be illegal, period. It's ridiculous.

Next time you see a sentence that begins with "studies show," replace it in your mind with "10 ppl who were drunk and high gave feedback."

If you put "I love video games" in your profile header, you might as well also post that pic of what you really look like. Cause we know.

If we're all God's children, I'm suing for lack of child support.

"Anarchist" does indeed sound sexier than pot-smoking video gamer with no talent, direction, or job.

Someone told me the other day that I was "not the sharpest knife in the drawer." Joke's on him; I'm not a knife!

I'll be self-publishing my book, "Opening Lines from Men That Are Actually Pretty Good," as soon as I compile more than three.